The Vendors

If you're not in the wedding business, you're in the wrong business.

People are making a killing out there-- at the expense of couples who used to like each other enough to want to get married.

Our date is set for July 2.


I know, I know, it's five months away-- and the next person to tell me "you better get started" is getting a fist to the throat. I've already started, and I think I deserve credit for that, considering I'm a big procrastinator. I don't pay parking tickets until I get the notice of suspension in the mail.

My fiance and I are getting married in Carmel, California-- a beautiful part of the country. We go there every year for vacation to lay on the beach, play golf, and see the hippies who live in trees near Big Sur. Last weekend I made a special trip there to prepare for the wedding, and had my first sit down meeting with The Vendors.You must reference them using capital letters or it's an extra 500 bucks.

The last time I felt this violated was during an episode of Spartacus. I nearly gagged when I saw the estimate for the reception. The biggest offense was the $600 cake cutting fee. Meaning every time they slice into the cake, we are charged $4.50. For that price, I can whip up a Duncan Hines, send it to Pope Benedict and have him bless it at the Vatican.

On the flight home I began asking myself questions I've never thought of before.. like, what organs can I get rid of to pay for this thing? What's a kidney going for on the black market?

What if I sign up to be a surrogate mother? Base pay starts at 20-grand, which would cover all the service fees... and the alterations to my wedding dress.

Or I could just sell my eggs to pay the photographer.

Either way, we're going to wind up making some sacrifices, and frankly, it shouldn't be something you have to think about during what should be the happiest months of your life. You spend all this time crunching numbers, sweating and laboring over the price of short ribs and table linens, you forget what it's all about. Two people who want to love each other for the rest of their lives--and here they are letting a wedding get in the way.

So to you Vendors, I have this to say: what God createth-- let no man, florist, cake cutter, coat checker, DJ, jeweler or photographer put asunder.

Also, if you're looking to hire, send me an email.

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