Family Fun

Spousal Support: How To Communicate Better & Work As A Team

Do you feel like you handle everything around the house? The kids, the cleaning, the chores? Is resentment starting to build? On Monday, Feb. 14, we chatted with Certified Relationship Coach Monica Leggett of "New Steps Life Coaching" in Shelton to find out how to better communicate with your spouse so that you work as a team and end the bickering.



 Spousal Support: How To Communicate Better & Works As A Team(02/14/2011) 
9:22
Sarah Cody: 
Happy Valentine's Day, everybody! I'm Fox CT reporter and Mommy Minute columnist/blogger Sarah Cody. Our web chat about "Communicating Better With Your Spouse" will begin in about 10 minutes!
Monday February 14, 2011 9:22 Sarah Cody
9:30
Sarah Cody: 
OK, let's get started! We're joined by Shelton-based relationship and life coach, Monica Leggett! Hi Monica!
Monday February 14, 2011 9:30 Sarah Cody
9:30
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
Hi Sarah.
I'm excited to be here.
Monday February 14, 2011 9:30 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
9:31
Sarah Cody: 
Monica, let's start with a general discussion about relationships. It seems like the key to a good relationship is COMMUNICATION.
Monday February 14, 2011 9:31 Sarah Cody
9:32
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
Yes, Communication helps the partners understand each other's thoughts and feelings- what's going on in their head!
Monday February 14, 2011 9:32 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
9:33
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
Positive communication is essential, not negative-nagging, whining, judging,
Monday February 14, 2011 9:33 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
9:33
Sarah Cody: 
And, it's important to begin communicating before the bickering begins. When we spoke you said, "No harsh start-up" to these conversations. Calmness is key.
Monday February 14, 2011 9:33 Sarah Cody
9:33
[Comment From WorkingMamaWorkingMama: ] 
How do you get your husband to pitch in with household chores without becoming a "nagging wife," especially when you have to ask 3 or 4 times before he empties the dishwasher?
Monday February 14, 2011 9:33 WorkingMama
9:33
Sarah Cody: 
Amen, Working Mama!
Monday February 14, 2011 9:33 Sarah Cody
9:33
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
Yes, if you come together and plan how you can support each other, share roles, etc
Monday February 14, 2011 9:33 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
9:34
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
Working Mama- calmness to start. agree it's not working. ask for what he is willing to do to pitch in.
Monday February 14, 2011 9:34 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
9:35
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
I help couples design their alliance. what would help the relationship flourish. what does each partner need?
Monday February 14, 2011 9:35 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
9:35
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
If there is a lot of tension, you'd both probably agree it's not working. What are you willing to do to make it better?
Monday February 14, 2011 9:35 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
9:36
Sarah Cody: 
I feel like my husband (who is a really good guy, a super-fun dad...I 've kind of thrown him under the bus in this column) can TAKE ORDERS. If I ask him to empty the dishwasher, he will. But he won't necessarily do it on his own...and this almost irks me more. Monica, if we design this "alliance", will I expect him to change? Or, do I have to be better at accepting him?
Monday February 14, 2011 9:36 Sarah Cody
9:37
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
The power struggle is the key to the tension. "Expecting" something without both agreeing to it will not help.
Monday February 14, 2011 9:37 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
9:37
[Comment From RevrsdRoleRevrsdRole: ] 
How about those times that day after day your wife says she'll do it, but yet, its still not done,
Monday February 14, 2011 9:37 RevrsdRole
9:37
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
Try to find a base where you can both agree.
Monday February 14, 2011 9:37 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
9:38
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
If something is agreed to and then not done, instead of judging or accusing, be curious. Is she overwhelmed with little kids at home?
Monday February 14, 2011 9:38 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
9:38
Sarah Cody: 
Nice point, Revrsd Role! I've heard of the men who are tidier than their wives, etc....though I've never lived with one!
Monday February 14, 2011 9:38 Sarah Cody
9:38
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
Perhaps she's torn between 5 different things to do first and taking care of the children or work duties feel more urgent.
Monday February 14, 2011 9:38 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
9:39
[Comment From RevrsdRoleRevrsdRole: ] 
No kids. She doesn't do much around the house, it's usually me. And when I ask her to do something she says tomorrow, but doesn't do it, or starts it right when I get home from work
Monday February 14, 2011 9:39 RevrsdRole
9:40
Sarah Cody: 
We're all different...with different skills that we bring to the table. I guess we have to respect the marriage enough to meet in the middle, yes?
Monday February 14, 2011 9:40 Sarah Cody
9:40
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
How can you support your wife, rather than be accusing? Can you join her to start?
Monday February 14, 2011 9:40 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
9:40
[Comment From WorkingMamaWorkingMama: ] 
I'm in the same boat as Sarah. My frustration comes from the fact that a messy house seems to be OK with my husband...but with two toddlers ruling the roost, the house often looks like a bomb exploded. I just want him to chip in on the housework without me having to ask him. And we've had that discussion about how much the clutter bothers me.
Monday February 14, 2011 9:40 WorkingMama
9:40
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
Meet in the middle is essential.
Monday February 14, 2011 9:40 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
9:41
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
Maybe a redesign of who does what. There is something called role exhaustion.
Monday February 14, 2011 9:41 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
9:41
Sarah Cody: 
I end up feeling like my hubby's mom....assigning him to chores...which is completely weird.
Monday February 14, 2011 9:41 Sarah Cody
9:41
[Comment From RevrsdRoleRevrsdRole: ] 
don't get me wrong, I don't expect the house to be spotless. But last nights dinner should be cleaned up when you have 3 days off in a row. when she and I work the same days, I don't ever ask her to do anything around the house
Monday February 14, 2011 9:41 RevrsdRole
9:41
[Comment From RevrsdRoleRevrsdRole: ] 
how do you get someone else to see your point of view with out upsetting them?
Monday February 14, 2011 9:41 RevrsdRole
9:41
Sarah Cody: 
Ooh, great question, Revrsd Role. Monica?
Monday February 14, 2011 9:41 Sarah Cody
9:42
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
reversed role: Be honest and be willing to see their side too.
Monday February 14, 2011 9:42 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
9:42
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
I'm right you're wrong gets anyone defensive.
Monday February 14, 2011 9:42 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
9:42
[Comment From WorkingMamaWorkingMama: ] 
Yes, Sarah! Like I have a third child...and I worry that because I feel that way, I project that in the way I treat him
Monday February 14, 2011 9:42 WorkingMama
9:42
Sarah Cody: 
I think we probably do project that. And that drives them nuts creating an ugly circle!
Monday February 14, 2011 9:42 Sarah Cody
9:43
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
Messy house is a busy topic: What about sharing. Owning your own mess. do the dishes together and have positive interaction time.
Monday February 14, 2011 9:43 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
9:43
[Comment From RevrsdRoleRevrsdRole: ] 
and my days off are the weekends, and she always has a list for me to do on my days off.
Monday February 14, 2011 9:43 RevrsdRole
9:44
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
revsd roles: ask for a redesign of roles or a better way to communicate needs. Having a list imposed on you is not working.
Monday February 14, 2011 9:44 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
9:44
Sarah Cody: 
So, Monica...break down the advice to these two. Working Mama: have a calm conversation with your husband, "This isn't working for me"....is that what she should do?
Monday February 14, 2011 9:44 Sarah Cody
9:44
Sarah Cody: 
Should Revrsd Role and his wife have a calm "meeting" over dinner and split tasks? Maybe even make a list?
Monday February 14, 2011 9:44 Sarah Cody
9:44
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
That is a place to start. Have an idea of how she wants to feel supported.
Monday February 14, 2011 9:44 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
9:45
[Comment From RevrsdRoleRevrsdRole: ] 
I have tried to ask for help, but she'll come up, do that one thing and then sit back down. My list is way longer and she agrees it is. I take care of all the out side, I take care of most of the kitchen, I cook all the meals (period she cooks once or twice a month at most) and I clean the bathroom and do the house hold laundry.
Monday February 14, 2011 9:45 RevrsdRole
9:45
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
Any relationship that has tension can feel stronger if you first acknowledge how you care about each other and the relationship. Build from the positive.
Monday February 14, 2011 9:45 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
9:46
Sarah Cody: 
Otherwise, Monica, little tensions can really build up into big problems, right?
Monday February 14, 2011 9:46 Sarah Cody
9:46
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
The goal of the house list is a clean and happy home. If you're fighting over who is doing more, then you need to rework the list or cut back the list of expectations to start.
Monday February 14, 2011 9:46 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
9:46
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
I'm feeling a lot of pent up frustration today!
Monday February 14, 2011 9:46 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
9:47
Sarah Cody: 
Monica, how do you actually design this "pact/alliance"? Is it just a conversation or do you actually write something down?
Monday February 14, 2011 9:47 Sarah Cody
9:47
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
Everyone breath
Monday February 14, 2011 9:47 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
9:47
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
How do you want your relationship to feel?
Monday February 14, 2011 9:47 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
9:47
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
Like a partnership or two indentured slaves?
Monday February 14, 2011 9:47 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
9:47
Sarah Cody: 
Breathing is good! But, hey, frustration is real! Marriage is really wonderful...but hard, too!
Monday February 14, 2011 9:47 Sarah Cody
9:48
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
If you agree that you want to be together and do this as a team, then come to the negotiating table with acceptance, appreciation of each other, a willingness to be influenced. Give up the power and you will be amazed at how you will feel.
Monday February 14, 2011 9:48 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
9:49
Sarah Cody: 
Tell me how it works...a conversation or more? Are lists involved?
Monday February 14, 2011 9:49 Sarah Cody
9:49
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
What are you willing to do for the sake of the relationship? That is my new motto these days. I mess up a relationship in the past by not realizing that.
Monday February 14, 2011 9:49 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
9:49
[Comment From RevrsdRoleRevrsdRole: ] 
Our relationship is fine other than household chores. $$ is alright, hobbies are enjoyed together, it's just the house chores, and she knows it, she agrees to it, but i have a hard time convincing her to help
Monday February 14, 2011 9:49 RevrsdRole
9:50
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
I have a list of questions to ask my clients that starts with What is here now? The good and the bad.
Monday February 14, 2011 9:50 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
9:50
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
We acknowledge the commitment, first and foremost.
Monday February 14, 2011 9:50 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
9:50
Sarah Cody: 
Honestly, Revrsd Role, if your feelings are causing stress in the marriage, and $$$ is all right, maybe you should hire a cleaning service and agree to disagree!
Monday February 14, 2011 9:50 Sarah Cody
9:50
[Comment From WorkingMamaWorkingMama: ] 
and once we have this conversation, what happens when the other person doesn't hold up their end?
Monday February 14, 2011 9:50 WorkingMama
9:51
[Comment From RevrsdRoleRevrsdRole: ] 
all these suggestions are great, but she's not reading over my shoulder. I do I relay this to her?
Monday February 14, 2011 9:51 RevrsdRole
9:51
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
As Sarah just said, what does the relationship need? Help doing chores.
Monday February 14, 2011 9:51 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
9:51
[Comment From RevrsdRoleRevrsdRole: ] 
good question workingmama
Monday February 14, 2011 9:51 RevrsdRole
9:52
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
Working mama, build accountability into the conversation.
Monday February 14, 2011 9:52 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
9:52
[Comment From RevrsdRoleRevrsdRole: ] 
Sarah, no..... no.... We can handle out mess.
Monday February 14, 2011 9:52 RevrsdRole
9:52
Sarah Cody: 
Good feelings of responsibility....just a thought!
Monday February 14, 2011 9:52 Sarah Cody
9:52
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
So if you say you'll do the dishes every day after dinner and you slip a few days, what are the consequences? It's not like you're going to be sent to the corner.
Monday February 14, 2011 9:52 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
9:53
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
Maybe a little nudge and ask if something is up? Do you need help?
Monday February 14, 2011 9:53 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
9:53
[Comment From RevrsdRoleRevrsdRole: ] 
although the corner is a good idea sometimes...
Monday February 14, 2011 9:53 RevrsdRole
9:54
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
The questions I ask are in a three way conversation if they are clients.
Monday February 14, 2011 9:54 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
9:54
Sarah Cody: 
Monica, something we talked about in our pre-column interview but didn't really get into is "the art of apologizing." We all say things we don't mean. How can we get good at aplogizing?
Monday February 14, 2011 9:54 Sarah Cody
9:54
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
LOL sit in the corner and think about what you did wrong! How does that make you feel? We want to feel GOOD about our partnership, not like victims, or servants, or guilty for not completing a task.
Monday February 14, 2011 9:54 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
9:55
[Comment From WorkingMamaWorkingMama: ] 
what are the consequences? i know i'll hold up my end of the bargain...if i didn't no one would eat and everyone would wear dirty clothes. but how do you punish a 30-something man? take away his playstation?
Monday February 14, 2011 9:55 WorkingMama
9:55
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
Apologizing is soooo important.
Monday February 14, 2011 9:55 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
9:55
Sarah Cody: 
Good question, Working Mama. Monica?
Monday February 14, 2011 9:55 Sarah Cody
9:55
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
An apology is to let someone know that you are sorry and that you didn't mean to hurt them, disappoint them. It needs to be heart felt.
Monday February 14, 2011 9:55 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
9:55
[Comment From WorkingMamaWorkingMama: ] 
sorry. punish is too harsh a word there.
Monday February 14, 2011 9:55 WorkingMama
9:56
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
Working mama- if you are trying to make him aware that you are counting on him to do certain things, what will convey that?
Monday February 14, 2011 9:56 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
9:56
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
working mama- he needs to feel what you are feeling.
Monday February 14, 2011 9:56 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
9:57
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
let him know how important it is. and be sure he is on board with how important it is.
Monday February 14, 2011 9:57 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
9:57
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
One thing to be aware of is this: if you are asking someone to do something that is only important to you, they aren't likely to do it.
Monday February 14, 2011 9:57 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
9:58
[Comment From WorkingMamaWorkingMama: ] 
exhausted. stressed. overwhelmed. i think he knows that's how i feel. in a lot of ways, i know he feels the same way. just our methods of coping are different. he's more inclined to let things drop and not care as much about the kitchen being dirty. where it almost causes a panic in me.
Monday February 14, 2011 9:58 WorkingMama
9:58
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
Byron Katie, author and relationship guru of sorts, talking about taking care of your own business. not God's, and not other people's business.
Monday February 14, 2011 9:58 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
9:59
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
Working mama- great sharing of how you feel. the panic is what YOU can deal with.
Monday February 14, 2011 9:59 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:00
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
Take care of YOU and do what you have agreed to do, without shaming the other person. Own it. And they will start to own their part as well.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:00 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:01
[Comment From WorkingMamaWorkingMama: ] 
that's exactly it. these things are not as important to him as they are to me.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:01 WorkingMama
10:01
[Comment From WorkingMamaWorkingMama: ] 
i know i need to be better about letting certain things go, i just wish i could get him to care a little bit more. definitely need to find some middle ground, i'm totally aware of that.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:01 WorkingMama
10:01
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
working mama: we can't make someone care. we can only show them how much we care.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:01 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:01
Sarah Cody: 
I'm with you, Working Mama. You're not alone!
Monday February 14, 2011 10:01 Sarah Cody
10:02
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
Over thirty years with my husband, and only the last 4 have I been enlightened about all this, so life has not been perfect, but we worked at it and we cared and we showed our true feelings.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:02 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:02
Sarah Cody: 
I was googling around about this topic and I read a really funny column on the Wall Street Journal's web site....something like "Hubby Doing Chores=Fun in the Bedroom".....it totally is an aphrodisiac (sp?)!!!
Monday February 14, 2011 10:02 Sarah Cody
10:03
Sarah Cody: 
Monica, how DO you get good at aplogizing?
Monday February 14, 2011 10:03 Sarah Cody
10:03
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
And if you are going to bed angry and judging each other, nothing will happen in the bedroom!
Monday February 14, 2011 10:03 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:03
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
apologies: Just say it!
Monday February 14, 2011 10:03 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:03
Sarah Cody: 
Working Mama, when have you gotten through to him? What has worked?
Monday February 14, 2011 10:03 Sarah Cody
10:03
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
I was so afraid to apologize till about a year ago.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:03 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:04
Sarah Cody: 
What has the ability to apologize done for you? Do you feel freer?
Monday February 14, 2011 10:04 Sarah Cody
10:04
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
I think I thought I was putting a giant target on my chest. Now I know I am just saying what really happened. I didn't mean to hurt. Or I'm sorry I made you feel that way or disappointed. It wasn't my intention.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:04 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:04
Sarah Cody: 
Is freer a word?
Monday February 14, 2011 10:04 Sarah Cody
10:04
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
I feel so much freer.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:04 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:05
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
It works for us today! I can look people in the eye and be honest, not hide anything.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:05 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:05
Sarah Cody: 
It's about making others feel safe so you can communicate better, right?
Monday February 14, 2011 10:05 Sarah Cody
10:05
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
Yes, they get to hear what you are feeling in your heart. I lost my son over not apologizing. I was too stubborn.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:05 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:06
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
2-3 years of "I'm right." created so much tension that he checked out of the relationship.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:06 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:06
Sarah Cody: 
Stubborn gets us nowhere, right? It's refreshing to know that a relationship coach has had relationship problems. Is your own issue what drove you into the business?
Monday February 14, 2011 10:06 Sarah Cody
10:07
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
Yes. So now I am willing to give up being right for the sake of the relationship.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:07 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:07
Sarah Cody: 
And for the sake of the family as a whole, right?
Monday February 14, 2011 10:07 Sarah Cody
10:07
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
I headed right for Relationship Coaching and lots of books.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:07 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:08
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
for the sake of what ever relationship system I am in- community service groups, business networking, family
Monday February 14, 2011 10:08 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:08
Sarah Cody: 
Monica, tell us about your free conference call coming up on the 24th. It's a "teleclass"...how does this work?
Monday February 14, 2011 10:08 Sarah Cody
10:09
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
This all applies to any relationship you are in. What relationship would not benefit from saying how you appreciate them, or acknowledge their help on something.?
Monday February 14, 2011 10:09 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:09
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
My class is on Feb 24th at either 7-8 pm or 9-10 pm via phone conference line.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:09 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:09
Sarah Cody: 
What will you talk about?
Monday February 14, 2011 10:09 Sarah Cody
10:09
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
We will talk all about the toxins that weaken relationship and choosing positive intentions instead.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:09 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:09
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
I wish I could type faster.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:09 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:10
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
If a person knows they tend to judge others, then they might benefit from practicing acceptance.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:10 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:10
Sarah Cody: 
It's all good! So, the issues we've discussed today are "toxins", right? Toxins that can build up and create larger problems.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:10 Sarah Cody
10:10
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
I have a handout with the work to send out ahead of time.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:10 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:11
Sarah Cody: 
People can just dial into the conference call and get some expert advice from you?
Monday February 14, 2011 10:11 Sarah Cody
10:11
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
Yes toxins are things like impatience, judging, assuming, ...
Monday February 14, 2011 10:11 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:12
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
If they dial in, they will be part of a class. It's like they call in for advise, they will learn new concepts and take away from it what they learn. We have a goal at the end.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:12 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:12
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
At the marriage conference on Sat, participants took one positive intention like acceptance and said a goal something like: I will look for ways to accept others before I judge them.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:12 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:13
Sarah Cody: 
You work with people in all sorts of situations, right? Not just spouse issues...but parent-teen communication.....bride-mother or bride-groom?
Monday February 14, 2011 10:13 Sarah Cody
10:13
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
They share their goal with me and I act as their accountability partner- check in a week later and see how they are doing.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:13 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:13
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
Yes, I work with any possible relationships. I am partial to family.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:13 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:14
Sarah Cody: 
So, this is what I'm taking from our web chat: calm communicating = good. Judging and accusing = bad.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:14 Sarah Cody
10:14
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
After three kids getting married within 4 years I learned so much and realized how this all applies to getting married. mother/daughter, the couple, etc.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:14 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:14
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
Great summary Sarah!
Monday February 14, 2011 10:14 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:15
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
Working mama and revsd role- I hope I helped you in some way.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:15 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:15
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
You can go to my website for more ideas and info. www.newstepslifecoaching.com
Monday February 14, 2011 10:15 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:15
[Comment From WorkingMamaWorkingMama: ] 
Wanted to say something about this comment..."What relationship would not benefit from saying how you appreciate them, or acknowledge their help on something?" I feel like I say Thank You a lot when my husband actually does help me out at home. How do I get him to thank me. I would feel better about doing so much if I just got a Thank You every once in awhile...
Monday February 14, 2011 10:15 WorkingMama
10:15
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
I have the class listed there as well.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:15 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:16
Sarah Cody: 
I like to break it down! So, we have about 15 minutes left. Let's start to sum up by talking about Valentine's Day. It's not all about chocolates and roses...it's about learning to communicate better...and feeling better about the relationship which is the foundation of the family.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:16 Sarah Cody
10:16
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
mama- ask for some feedback. this is one of the key questions: How will you feel more supported by your spouse?
Monday February 14, 2011 10:16 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:17
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
What makes you feel better? Smiling, laughing, sharing good times. Positivity
Monday February 14, 2011 10:17 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:17
Sarah Cody: 
Working Mama....what has worked? Do you have one scenario where your husband and you worked well together? Can you tap back into that positive situation?
Monday February 14, 2011 10:17 Sarah Cody
10:17
[Comment From WorkingMamaWorkingMama: ] 
Mom's need love, too!
Monday February 14, 2011 10:17 WorkingMama
10:17
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
John Gottman says you need a 5:1 ratio of positive interaction to negative interaction.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:17 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:17
Sarah Cody: 
Oh, so true...we hold so much together. I think moms rock.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:17 Sarah Cody
10:18
[Comment From WorkingMamaWorkingMama: ] 
I get him to really roll his sleeves up and clean the house about 3 or 4 times a year. And it's great. We work great as a team, when we work as a team. Just feel like the daily grind, i carry the burden.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:18 WorkingMama
10:18
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
Mom's definitely need love. I can relate.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:18 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:18
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
Does your husband feel he is carrying a different burden?
Monday February 14, 2011 10:18 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:19
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
In so many families where one earns the money and the other "does the house." they each feel burdened.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:19 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:19
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
I always felt that way when my kids were hunger.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:19 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:19
Sarah Cody: 
Good question, Monica....my husband def. feels like he handles the financial burden and that I don't fully understand that.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:19 Sarah Cody
10:20
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
I got tired of cleaning the house! Role exhaustion once again.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:20 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:20
[Comment From WorkingMamaWorkingMama: ] 
yes. because he works a crazy schedule and doesn't get much sleep.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:20 WorkingMama
10:20
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
My husband still feels trapped, can't leave his job cuz of the house, etc.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:20 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:20
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
We're talking about empathy here.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:20 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:20
Sarah Cody: 
What do I know...but as a fellow wife and mom, I'd say, think about those 3 or 4 times when you work together well. Tap into what worked.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:20 Sarah Cody
10:20
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
When we can feel the burden of the other person, we shift our judgment.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:20 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:21
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
Yes, Sarah, tap into ways you can do things together.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:21 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:21
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
Saturday mornings became a time that the whole family did a big house cleaning.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:21 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:21
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
One hour and it was all done.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:21 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:21
[Comment From WorkingMamaWorkingMama: ] 
but i also work a pretty crazy schedule. i just deal with it better than he, i think.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:21 WorkingMama
10:22
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
It helps when the kids are older to have them share the burden as well.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:22 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:22
Sarah Cody: 
Moms are multi-taskers. We're good at it. I think some (not all!) men don't multi-task as well.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:22 Sarah Cody
10:22
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
Schedule- a good word. Make a schedule and stick to it. Be proactive to be more efficient with your time.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:22 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:23
Sarah Cody: 
My boys are 5 and 7 and I'm beginning to ask more of them. It feels good...and appropriate.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:23 Sarah Cody
10:23
[Comment From WorkingMamaWorkingMama: ] 
so true, sarah. so true.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:23 WorkingMama
10:23
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
Stay away from the "it's easier if I just do it myself." They will never learn. And you will always end up doing it all.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:23 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:23
Sarah Cody: 
Monica...leave us with some thoughts about Valentine's Day...how can we use this Love Day to improve our communication with out spouse?
Monday February 14, 2011 10:23 Sarah Cody
10:24
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
Use Valentine's Day to be ONLY positive. I love you because, I love it when you..., What positive thing can you do or say for your partner?
Monday February 14, 2011 10:24 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:24
Sarah Cody: 
"Our" spouse, that is.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:24 Sarah Cody
10:24
[Comment From WorkingMamaWorkingMama: ] 
i have hope. i love my husband and our family. i just need to learn to relax a bit more...
Monday February 14, 2011 10:24 WorkingMama
10:25
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
Yes working mama, stay connected to the fact that you love him and your family. What are you willing to let go of that is causing anxiety for you?
Monday February 14, 2011 10:25 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:25
Sarah Cody: 
Relaxing is hard! It's all about compromise, Working Mama. Thanks for being so candid. Your situation really sparked a lot of productive discussion
Monday February 14, 2011 10:25 Sarah Cody
10:26
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
This has been great. Thanks for sharing your heart with us.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:26 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:26
[Comment From WorkingMamaWorkingMama: ] 
Thanks for the time. And free therapy!
Monday February 14, 2011 10:26 WorkingMama
10:26
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
It's all about taking control of what you can do in this moment.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:26 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:27
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
There is always one thing you can do. And one positive action or thought that will make everyone feel a little better.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:27 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:27
Sarah Cody: 
Thanks to all of you! Revrsd Role, too! What a great chat. I look forward to more of them. You can read a replay of this Valentine's Day discussion at www.ctnow.com/spousesupport. Take care, good luck and today, forget the laundry!
Monday February 14, 2011 10:27 Sarah Cody
10:28
RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett: 
Have fun.
Monday February 14, 2011 10:28 RelationshipCoachMonicaLeggett
10:28
 

 
 
 
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