After his infamous roast hosting job at the Golden Globes last winter, Ricky Gervais pre-taped a message for the Emmys that had a few ... edits. The piece in its (edited) entirety:
"Hello. Firstly, sorry I can't be there live in person. Not allowed. Not after the Golden Globes. In fact now, during any awards ceremony, I'm not even allowed on American soil. This is pre-recorded and the Emmy bosses have warned me if I say anything rude or controversial, they will edit it out and you won't know the difference. What a bunch of cowardly [cut] countrymen like Simon Cowell and Piers Morgan. We're proud of you. I've won a few Emmys myself. I've lost a few too. I was up for five last year and I lost them all to other shows that in my opinion were absolute [cut] "Schindler's List" but then went on to do TV with "band of Brothers" and "The Pacific" for HBO, which in my opinion is the greatest channel in the world [cut] apart from [cut] FOX [cut] that is, [cut] obviously. Anyway, I've been rattling on for about 10 minutes. I hope I didn't say anything that you found offensive. Though if I did, I don't care. You can suck my [Twinkie]. Thanks for listening. And finally, thanks to God for making me an [cut] absolute idiot. There I said it. Again."
Not quite as fun as his Golden Globes job, but we'll take it.
-- Andrea Reiher, Zap2it