I recently reached the half-century mark and I’m downhearted. Not because Father Time is beating me like a dirty rug, but because I’ve yet to attain the only goal I ever set for myself: becoming a billionaire.
But there’s still hope, as I’m only $999,999,637 away from achieving my ambition. Having read “The Secret” and watched every sappy Disney movie, I know the only thing required to realize your dreams is to just believe. (Hard work, education and social skills be damned!) That’s why, with complete confidence, I’m booking the Billionaire’s Birthday Package at the Grand Velas Riviera Maya resort in Playa del Carmen, Mexico.
Let’s clarify one thing: The Billionaire’s Birthday Package does NOT cost a billion dollars. That would be silly. This is a party for billionaires, but it only costs $2 million, so it won’t deplete the offshore account. Consider it a budget-friendly option for the festive one-percenter.
In the past, to get to Mexico, I’d get a job as a galley monkey on a luxury yacht, swabbing decks and cleaning cod. But the Billionaire’s Birthday Package provides round-trip private jet transport. (So suck it, Captain Steve! Clean the bilge pumps yourself!)
Though I’m decidedly anti-politics, a three-night stay in Grand Velas’ two-bedroom Presidential Suite will trump my convictions. The stay comes with an in-suite breakfast for my ten closest friends, which of course are other billionaires, whom I’ll refer to as my presidential cabinet. As my first presidential act, I’ll shore up relations with Mexico by vetoing every decision not involving a shot of the national drink, tequila.
Post-breakfast, my crew and I will take over Grand Velas’ spa, which luxury-travel adviser Virtuoso named the Best Spa in the World in 2010. The spa’s Gold Treatment should work out all the tension my presidency has caused.
Then let the festivities begin. I will need to be entertained to exhaustion or I may throw an entitlement fit. Thankfully Grand Velas has diversions in spades. We’ll start with a beach party. My billionaire friends and I will be flyboarding in the Caribbean while sand artists create a personalized sculpture on the shore. I choose a sand version of me as the Mayan god of rain and fertility Chac and my mesmerizing partner, Mayahuel, goddess of tequila, riding upon the winged serpent Kukulcan. Vainglorious perhaps, but also an educational depiction of Mexico’s ancient heritage. I call that giving back.
All that flyboarding and self-importance really builds an appetite. Little known fact: All billionaires are gourmands. Why? Because billionaires can afford to eat the fanciest food. My guests will experience a taste of that lifestyle when I have Chef Sidney Schutte of Grand Velas’ signature Cocina de Autor restaurant cater the party with some fancy grub. I bet Chef Shutte could make those little cocktail wieners with grape jelly. He’s got a two star Michelin rating!
To wet the whistle, master mixologist Moisés Sierra Sáenz will concoct some fancy cocktails, and even mocktails for the younguns. He’s got the bamboo umbrellas and everything. But if mixed drinks aren’t your cup of tea, the Billionaire’s Birthday Party offers a candy bar. I’m not talking a single Hershey’s bar of 60% cacao dark chocolate. I mean a bar fully stocked with candy! As in:
“What’re you having, sir?”
“Gimme a pint of Toblerone with a Skittles chaser, please.”
As the sun dips, the main event will start. A billionaire must arrive to the party in style, so the Billionaire’s Birthday Package includes a dress custom designed by renowned Mexican designer Pineda Covalin, who incorporates the art and cultural elements of indigenous Mexico. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve worn a dress as a statement, though some would say it’s less a statement and more a question.
Being a fantastic dancer, I’ll need some top-notch entertainment. I’ll start with a top-notch DJ – not that guy who plays his Bar Mitzvah iTunes playlist but some serious wick-a-wick-a-wah so that I can display my dance moves from “Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo.” Then a performance by a famous artist. Past acts have included Pit Bull, Meghan Trainor, Maroon 5 and Diana Ross. I’m torn between Bruno Mars, if only for his “Billionaire” hit song, and Weird Al Yankovic because musical parody is the highest form of art. The evening will peak with a fireworks display over the Caribbean.
I’m allowed 300 invitees to my party, which will include every famous Tom, Dick and Harry, starting with Tom Hanks, Dick van Dyke and Harry Belafonte, plus a bevy of mononymous celebrities such as Oprah, Shakira and Questlove. Likely none of these invitees will show, so consider yourself invited as well. All you need to do is buy your own airfare and accommodation. The rest will be taken care of … for one day. Then you’re on you own because as an up-and-coming billionaire, I don’t hobnob with freeloading peons.
