I’m a dad now.
Evan is just over a year old, with a joy for life and a daring spirit that compels him to dive headfirst off any bed, chair or couch if given the opportunity. Like any (hopefully) good parent, I want him to have all the things I never did. Like a trip to the Wisconsin Dells.
Yes, it’s true. I’ve lived much of my life in Chicago and somehow never made it to the water park and sunburn capital of the Midwest. I’m not even sure what events or excursions replaced this soggy rite of passage for so many years, but Door County, Union Pier and many Cubs games come to mind. The Dells just never happened. And I never minded a bit.
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But then beautiful, bright-eyed Evan came along and the Dells beckoned. Yes, there will be Cubs games and Door County and Union Pier in his future, but the pinnacle of a cliched Midwestern summer getaway seemed necessary if Evan is to have a well-balanced childhood. So my wife and I packed the boy in the car — along with the requisite too much stuff that comes with hauling around a baby — and headed three hours north to that land of water parks and sunburns. We were determined to embrace one while scrupulously avoiding the other.
We arrived on a Friday afternoon with little idea of what to expect. This thing called the Wisconsin Dells — or simply “The Dells” to many — could have been a slice of idyllic Midwest, where ice cream shops and generations-old bookstores line a main street that’s actually called Main Street, rife with towheaded children scampering toward that evening’s Little League game.
It’s not.
For one thing, other than restaurant staff and hotel workers, I’m not sure I ever saw a local. The town is overrun with tourists. And as for the town Wisconsin Dells (population 2,700, which means the locals were hiding somewhere), its quaintness is buried deep within generations of being a tourist destination.
Consider the old bank building on the north side of Broadway (the Dells’ version of Main Street). It’s a compact and handsome gray stone building with detailed symmetry that many modern structures would envy. More than 100 years ago, when it was in fact a bank, it sat attractively unadorned on that downtown Dells corner. In 2016 it’s buried beneath cheap, oversized signage that touts the twice-daily Tommy Bartlett water show and tickets to seemingly every nearby attraction. The building houses a bar named “Nig’s,” which seems to be a relic from another generation, much like the Dells itself.
The downtown strip is an array of silly gift shops, good-enough restaurants (stick to meat and potatoes), neon signs and attractions like Krazy Mirror Maze, which is exactly what it sounds like. But people don’t visit the Dells for high culture. They go to get away from it, to be in a place where Hillary’s emails and Donald’s bluster don’t exist.
They go for the unbridled fun and outsized attractions along Wisconsin Dells Parkway, a four-lane state highway just outside the downtown. The 5-mile stretch is home to go-karts. Roller coasters. A wildlife park featuring penguins, camels and giraffes. There’s something called Zombie Outbreak, where guests get to shoot zombies in the head for $19.99. A gargantuan Trojan horse sits along the road as part of the Mount Olympus water park and theme park resort. There’s an upside down replica of the White House that is called Top Secret and gets laughably awful scores on TripAdvisor. And so on.
“It’s like Las Vegas for children,” my wife said.
Bingo. And I was so very thankful Evan was too young to want to shoot zombies in the head.
Then there are the water parks.
There are about 20 of them in the Dells, from wide and sprawling to small and cozy, which is how the area came to call itself “The water park capital of the world!” (exclamation mark included). Tourism officials boast of more than 200 water slides and more than 16 million gallons of water pumped across those parks. (Bonus fact: The average Dells water park resort churns through 5,000 towels per day.)
Water park aficionados are well served to visit multiple parks during a visit to the area. The highlights are spread out, with names such as Quadzilla and Black Anaconda (Noah’s Ark Waterpark), Poseidon’s Rage (Mount Olympus) and Screaming Hyena (Kalahari). As if it isn’t obvious, you might want to digest lunch before boarding what claims to be “America’s first and the world’s tallest looping water slide” (Scorpion’s Tail at Noah’s Ark).
We, however, confined ourselves to the water park attached to our hotel beside the buzz of Interstate 90: Great Wolf Lodge, which is known for catering to wee ones. I was won over immediately after check-in, when a blonde teenage girl in Great Wolf’s vast lobby offered the opportunity to frost and decorate a chewy sugar cookie. With Evan in one arm, I used my free hand to smear vanilla frosting onto the cookie that I topped with blue and orange sprinkles (Go Bears!) as opposed to the green and yellow option. It was an immediate microcosm of the family friendliness of The Dells: “Just drove three hours to get here? Here, decorate a delicious sugar cookie!”
It’s impossible to overstate the degree to which Great Wolf Lodge caters to families. It’s so dramatic — and effective — that I have no idea why someone without children would stay there, short of a bachelor or bachelorette party built around water slides. Kid-focused events at the hotel begin with a 7:15 a.m. children’s yoga class and continue through the early morning (at which point parents are presumably awake enough to take control of their offspring) and then resume with evening games and story time that draws a packed house of adorable little people in their jammies. When I saw a small child running down a Great Wolf hallway in nothing but a diaper after a couple of days, I was hardly surprised.
The water park teems from 9 a.m. until 9 p.m. with an absolute crush of children on weekends as water flows and falls in all directions. Plastic slides and tubes seem to twist everywhere in the vast space assiduously scoured by teenage lifeguards.
There are some fairly intimidating slides with strict height and weight rules. And then there are the itty-bitty water slides where Evan rode on my lap, at first unsure why we would intentionally splash ourselves so aggressively. But then, at the bottom of each slide, he shouted one of his handful of words: “More!” (Which actually sounds more like, “Mah!”) Of course, I obliged again and again.
What makes the Dells cheesy good fun, though, is that there’s much more to do outside of water parks, and it’s the kind of stuff you’ll only find in a Las Vegas for children.
At Timbavati Wildlife Park, we came face to face with an array of animals that, in theory, should be nowhere near central Wisconsin: penguins, an Arctic fox, giraffes and kangaroos. We were handed cups of carrots upon entry (for the animals, not us), and indeed, Evan was captivated by the long, powerful giraffe neck swinging low toward us and that rough, black tongue extending to take three carrot sticks from my hand.
There’s enough silliness going on — zombies, “krazy” mirrors, Tommy Bartlett and all the rest — that it’s impossible to become bored in the Dells. But what took a couple of days to realize is that the area is situated in absolutely gorgeous, rolling Midwest terrain stocked with lakes, bluffs and canyons.
The Dells don’t do much to embrace that fact; most of the touristy things are made of plastic and concrete. That’s why on our way out of town, we stopped at Devil’s Lake State Park, Wisconsin’s largest and most-visited state park, about 20 miles south of the Dells. After a weekend of water slides, giraffes and walks up and down downtown, Evan gladly went into my baby carrier backpack and we hoofed close to 3 miles, heading up to a bluff above the sparkling blue lake and then down and back along the lakeshore.
Every time his mom and I paused to savor the view, we heard the same command: “Mah!”
More walking, he meant.
I suspect that the hike was Evan’s favorite part of the weekend. Still, when he’s 7 or so, I have a feeling we’ll take a crack at some of those more daunting water slides.
Twitter @joshbnoel
If you go
Getting there: The Wisconsin Dells is about 200 miles (or three hours) northwest of Chicago, along Interstate 90.
To do: Water parks are the primary attraction, including five major resorts that all have both indoor and outdoor parks. Noah’s Ark Water Park (www.noahsarkwaterpark.com) claims to be the largest water park in the country. Other highlights include two amphibious ducks rides that operate both in water and on land; the Riverside & Great Northern Railway (www.dellstrain.com) that offers scenic train rides north of town; Timbavati Wildlife Park (www.timbavatiwildlifepark.com), featuring up-close views of animals not expected in central Wisconsin, and the legendary Tommy Bartlett Show (www.tommybartlett.com), a water-ski show in its 64th season.
Stay: Major resorts include Great Wolf Lodge (www.greatwolf.comhttp://www.greatwolf.com), Wilderness Resort (www.wildernessresort.com), Kalahari (www.kalahariresorts.com) and Mount Olympus (www.mtolympuspark.com), though there are also many smaller and midsize accommodations, including motels and national chains.
Eat and drink: Macs Macaroni and Cheese Shop (www.macandcheeseshop.com) offers both basic and gourmet macaroni and cheese for parents and children alike; High Rock Cafe (www.highrockcafe.com) offers a solid array of inventive American fare; the newly opened B-Lux Grill and Bar (www.b-luxgrill.com) served up one of the better hamburgers I’ve had in a while. Myrt and Lucy’s Chat and Chew dishes out belly-filling breakfasts and has tables large enough for the biggest of broods. Beer-loving parents should not overlook Showboat Saloon (www.showboatsaloon.com), which offers an outstanding selection of craft beer on draft and features a generous $2.50-per-pint happy hour that extends to all day on Sundays.
More information: www.wisdells.com
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