Raising Cain's Appetite
As he attempts to rescue his reputation, political future, and front-running presidential candidacy, embattled Republican Herman Cain is dealing with allegations of sexual harassment by strapping on the feedbag. But rather than gobbling down slices from his former employer, Godfather's Pizza, while at an undisclosed D.C. hideout, a discreet bellhop is whispering that a regular delivery of Domino's Pizza has been seen arriving at Cain's suite door. "It looks like he's ordering those new Domino's "Artisan" pizzas. From the boxes I saw stacked in the hallway, he really likes the Tuscan Salami." And when it's not pizza, there reportedly are wrappers from Taco Bell and multiple orders of Kentucky Fried Chicken's new caloric indulgence, the Cheesy Bacon Bowl. The bellhop has heard Cain tell his aides during their constant strategy meetings, "Man, these Domino's are good. I'm itching to get back in the pizza business. If this presidential thing doesn't work out, I might open a new pizza chain called "9-9-9." Nine toppings, nine cheeses, for $9.99. It's simple and people will love it! Now, slice me again, man, and pass me one of those burritos too."
Oscar winner Hilary Swank is still smarting from the international fallout from her paid appearance in honor of Chechnya president and alleged human rights abuser, Razman Kadyrov. Though Swank has dumped key members of her management team to help ease the PR nightmare in the liberal La La Land, my Tinsel Town tipsters tell me that privately, Hilary is baffled about the flap. She quietly confided to a close pal, "Razman threw a wonderful party. What's all the fuss about? I just spoke to my good friend, Fidel in Cuba, and he tells 'Razzy' is cool dude. And when I called my other close friend, Kim Jong-il, he told me Razman is 'good people' and Kim invited me to North Korea to decompress from all this controversy. I might go there after I come back from Iran
President Ahmadinejad said his presidential palace is open for me anytime I need it. I'm so lucky to have such good, caring friends."
Teen sensation Justin Bieber is fiercely fighting back against a controversial claim that he fathered a backstage baby with a groping groupie. But Justin's troubles may be a teaching tool. I've "over-Snerd" that a leading condom manufacturer is seriously considering rushing into production a new condom called "The Beeb," combined with a campaign to boost safe sex. The company hopes to reach the youth market that idolizes Justin, and is already testing the marketing slogan, "If you're going to do it, don't forget 'To Beeb.' The company believes its "Beeb" campaign can teach teens the importance of practicing safe sex. According to an insider, "We hope this claim against Justin is false, but either way, our new 'Beeb' condom can play an important role in warning today's youth of having unprotected sex. Plus, it will become a fun word in the pop culture lexicon. We think Justin will be flattered that we are turning his name into a verb."
Theo's Florida Flight Of Fancy
New Chicago Cubs' messiah, Theo Epstein, received major props from the sports press and baseball people alike when he personally flew from Chicago to Florida to personally break the news to the team's now ex- manager, Mike Quade, that he was getting the boot. However, my baseball Annie's are chattering that while Theo is accepting the accolades, the real story is much less noble. I've "over-Snerd" that Theo REALLY flew down to Florida to grab lunch at a Sunshine State restaurant the baseball hangout and Cubs-themed, "Friendly Confines" in Orlando. It seems the eatery has a great appetizer menu, and now that he's officially a Cub, he wanted to get immersed in "Cub culture." A Cubs crony tells me Theo favors the mozzarella sticks and cheddar tots at "Friendly Confines" and he really had a taste for them. He asked Tom Ricketts if he could use the team's jet to go to Florida to quench his craving, and Ricketts gave him the OK as long as he also stopped by Quade's house to fire him. It's good to be "King Cub," huh?
Dreesen Gets Pumped
Local treasure, Tom Dreesen, was a mainstay in Booth One at Chicago's historic entertainment emporium, the old Pump Room at the former Ambassador East Hotel. But the hilarious Harvey native got a bit of a shock recently, when he went to check out the newly-revamped version of the storied bistro. Not only was he saddened to see that his beloved Booth One gone and replaced with a sleek, trendy décor, but he was told he had to wait for table and then he noticed his photo no longer hangs on the wall along with the parade of past stars that partied there. An insulted Dreesen shouted, "I have to wait for a table? And where's my picture? Do you know who I am? I opened for Frank Sinatra! David Letterman loves my act! I've been on 'The Tonight Show 61 times!" And he stormed out. The hostess asked another patron, "Who was that guy?" and then announced, "Table for two for Mr. Carrot Top! Oh, no reservation necessary, sir, we're honored to have you dining with us. This way to our best table." Today's youth just doesn't respect a legend
Not celebrating a birthday anymore: Professional curmudgeon and respected journalist with the wildest eyebrows on TV, Andy Rooney; 92: breathless. (Hey, "60 Minutes
SNERD is available to fill Andy's worn-out loafers any time you need him!)
Until next time, keep venting!