And not long after I'll be quoted saying something scandalous about Jennifer Aniston. My record sales will soar.
I'm presently in talks with representatives from Malaysia's Inokom Motor Corp. to be the narration voice in their television commercials. I'm huge in Southeast Asia. Like Jerry Lewis in France. Toyota called, but I respectfully declined.
Justin Bieber is my illegitimate love child with Betty White.
I will angrily storm off the set and quit halfway through the season on “Celebrity Rehab,” “Celebrity Fit Club” and “The Surreal Life.”
Then I will return humbled the following week.
An alleged sex tape will be “accidentally” leaked on the Internet. This will be followed shortly thereafter by a massive shutdown of the worldwide Web as servers all over the globe explode.
My career will be resuscitated by writing Lifetime and SyFy made-for-TV movies with lame dialogue, ridiculous plot lines and has-been actors.
I'll go to Haiti to do “relief” work and adopt a few babies while I'm there.
Then there will be the memoir about my 18-month rocket ride to superstardom as a local newspaper columnist, subsequent crash, and renewal. Next: Hit the talk-show circuit.
Go on Bill O'Reilly's show and say something derogatory about liberals.
Go on Jon Stewart's show and say something derogatory about Bill O'Reilly.
Go on Larry King's show and say something derogatory about Larry King.
As I ease back into a quiet family life, I'll build a fence around my house without a city permit.
And lastly, I will allow Barbara Walters to bring me to tears as we talk about my normal childhood, despite my promise that I wouldn't let her make me cry.
With fame comes great responsibility. But hey, I'm not here to make friends.
PATRICK CANEDAY is a Glendale native who lives and works in Burbank. Stay in touch with him on at www.patrickcaneday.com and firstname.lastname@example.org.