The casual girlfriend-turned cohabitator

Live-in girlfriends

If she's been mooching for 3 months, it's probably time for her to move out. (November 20, 2014)

Dear Anna,

I have a problem; maybe you can help. A girl I started dating over the summer is turning into a winter nightmare. In the beginning, everything was great. She lived on my block and had her own place and a job. We began slow, like going to dinner or on walks, but then we started hanging at home and that’s where it got physical. Then in a matter of just two weeks, she quit her job and decided not to renew her lease. Apparently her boss was harassing her and she didn’t know what else to do. And without a job or enough in savings, she didn’t renew. I offered to help and let her move in. It was only going to be temporary, but now it’s been almost three months and she has gotten a job and has no intentions of leaving unless I kick her out. Our relationship is pretty much over and I feel I am just an enabler by letting her continue to stay. I would really like her to just get another job and a new apartment so things can go back to the way they were. Any thoughts? —Blues in Berwyn

Dear BIB,

That’ll teach you to be nice to someone you’re casually dating! One minute it’s fine, the next she’s “What About Bob”-d you and is leaving pubes on your hard-earned soap!
It’s very sweet that you wanted to help the gal out, but three months is way past the point of simple generosity. She’s taking advantage of you, and you need an exit strategy stat. Sit her down and tell her, kindly yet firmly, that you need your place back and that she should plan to be out by New Year’s (or earlier if that’s too long for you). She surely has at least ONE friend that she can lean on/crash with while she gets her ish together. You’re also right that, as it is, your altruism is enabling her to put off looking for a job while she lives on your dime. Plus, it’s making you miserable—let’s not discount the importance of that.

You’re not obligated to, but if you’re still feeling a teensy bit charitable (‘tis the season and all that), offer to help her look at new apartments or help her move—because moving always sucks, especially in the winter, and the extra incentive might motivate her to get her butt in gear. Be flexible if it seems like she’s trying, but stay firm. You can’t let her subsist on you indefinitely, right?

Regardless of how it all shakes out, don’t count on things “going back to the way they were.” It’s pretty hard to go from live-in girlfriend to casual dater. Then again, who knows? Maybe you’ll kick her out but she’ll still want to play naked Canasta occasionally. Stranger things have happened when it comes to Canasta. In the meantime, focus on getting your life back. Your autonomy and happiness depend on it.

Dear Anna,

I have no question, I have no concerns, I have no worries!! I have been dating my soul mate and best friend for a year now and everything is perfect! I just figured you would want to hear some good dating news for once : ) Keep up the awesome advice.—Everything Is Awesome

Dear EIA,

That IS nice to hear. Thanks!

You know how men have racial preferences, as well as can be a boobs or ass person? I've known men that have "all racial preferences." So is it possible for them to have "no racial preferences?" Yes.
 
Similarly, as men can also be a boobs or ass person (and rarely both), can there be men that are not into boobs or ass? Yes.

And then combine them. No racial preferences, but into boobs/ass, or, all racial preferences but not into boobs/ass. And how about still being a heterosexual, but no racial preference and not into boobs/ass. — ;)

Dear ;),

Yes. All of those combinations are possible. Thank you for playing dirty, repetitive mad libs with us.

Want to ask Anna an anonymous question about love, sex or dating? Email your quandary to redeyedating@gmail.com. Need to give your dating life a boost? Sign up for RedEye Dating.

 

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