Connecting again with your old classmates may be easier than confronting who you used to be
(Bill Hogan/ Chicago Tribune / May 31, 2011)
Now a working mother of two with a 12-year marriage to her college sweetheart — who bears no resemblance to the ill-coifed hotelier — Hoffman is eager for her old classmates to see her in a new light.
"I need people to know that I'm not that awful, money-hungry (person) they probably thought I was," says Hoffman, 38, who works as a pharmaceutical sales rep in Orlando, Fla., and graduated from Bishop Kenny High School in Jacksonville, Fla. "It is redemptive in a way to go back and show that I've found happiness, that I'm a good mother, a good person, and that that wasn't truly me."
On the surface, high school reunions are a chance to reminisce, reconnect and discover who has been posting deceptively flattering photos on Facebook. But the collision of past and present is also a time of self-reflection, measuring who you are against what you wished for yourself and what you think your peers expected of you.
For some, reunions offer vindication. For others, they're a dreaded reckoning. For many they really are just a chance to catch up. But what most everyone has in common is some level of anxiety, as the insecurities of the past get thrust into the present.
Eric Beam said he was struck at his 20th reunion last summer when a former classmate, by all accounts successful, sounded embarrassed when discussing her cubicle job.
"It was almost like she was apologetic that she wasn't climbing the Himalayas as a National Geographic photographer," Beam said.
For Beam, in contrast, the reunion was a heartening retrospective of how far he has come: from being the nerdy kid with undiagnosed ADHD — the kid who talked without raising his hand and interrupted people midsentence — to his life now as a school administrator in San Diego with "a phenomenal wife and two wonderful kids."
He doesn't understand why people feel the need to impress.
"There's always going to be someone smarter, there's always going to be someone with a nicer car," Beam said. "The people who aren't happy are the ones who worry about that."
But even the most confident adults can regress in the face of reunions, said Mary Lamia, a clinical psychologist based in Marin County, Calif. Emotional memories are very strong, she said, so when people are thrown back into a high school context they trigger the self-conscious emotions most common in adolescence: embarrassment, shame, guilt and pride.
When people avoid reunions because they're disappointed in their lives, "it's like staying home from school because you don't want people to see your pimple," Lamia said.
But such fears are based on the expectation that others will judge you as harshly as you judge yourself, which usually they don't, Lamia said. Those who do judge and gossip are the ones who have their own shame, she said.
Lamia said people anxious about attending their reunion should make it a point to go. Chances are, their concerns won't be validated.
After avoiding her reunions for several decades, worried that she wouldn't be able to relate to anyone or have anything to talk about, Leslie Hoffman Kirn was relieved last year when she went to an all-class reunion and had a great time.
"I think that took away any fears," said Hoffman Kirn, 47, who this summer is on the planning committee for her 30th reunion at Parkway Central High School in Chesterfield, Mo.
Kirn, an IT security analyst, said she was "your average girl, not real popular" in high school, and credits the connections she has made with old classmates on Facebook with drawing her out of her shell.
Going to a reunion tends to be a reassuring experience: People are generally surprised at how well they are remembered and how well they remember their classmates, said Glenn Reeder, professor of social psychology at Illinois State University in Normal, Ill., who co-authored a 1986 survey of people invited back to their high school reunion, one of very few to study the topic.
The study found that by far the most important factor in the decision to attend a reunion was the memory people had of high school. Those who recalled having a great time, and the more popular kids, were more eager to go back. The less popular kids were less likely to attend, sometimes worrying that no one would remember them.