Heidi Prescott hosted a chat on her series 'Gone too soon' about local families coping with the heartache of losing a baby. Read the transcript here.

 Live Chat: Gone too soon(05/10/2013) 
1:32
Heidi Prescott: 
Good afternoon and welcome to our live chat. We are here with Amanda Kehler and other local parents who were featured in the "Gone Too Soon" series. Thank you for joining us.
Friday May 10, 2013 1:32 Heidi Prescott
1:33
Heidi Prescott: 
Lee Stevens is here. Lee, want to introduce yourself to our readers? Tell us a little about you and Jessica.
Friday May 10, 2013 1:33 Heidi Prescott
1:34
[Comment From Lee StevensLee Stevens: ] 
Sure. My wife Jessica and I have 3 children, Emma, Evan and Landon. Emma died when she was 8 days old after my wife suffered complications at the end of her pregnancy.
Friday May 10, 2013 1:34 Lee Stevens
1:38
[Comment From Amanda Kehler Amanda Kehler : ] 
Hi this is Amanda. My husband and I experienced four miscarriages and infertility before we had our daughter, Zoey.
Friday May 10, 2013 1:38 Amanda Kehler
1:38
[Comment From Guest Guest : ] 
This was a very good series. I had a stillborn daughter 33 years ago and the articles still brought tears to my eyes. It is a subject that most people don't want to talk about so it was nice reading about it in the paper. It is better now than it was 33 years ago. Thank you so much for doing it.
Friday May 10, 2013 1:38 Guest
1:39
[Comment From Amanda Kehler Amanda Kehler : ] 
welcome! It is crazy how things have changed over the years.
Friday May 10, 2013 1:39 Amanda Kehler
1:39
[Comment From Debbie BIce Debbie BIce : ] 
Hi, this is Debbie Bice I lost my son Cameron to SIDS at a year and nine day's. He passed on my birthday in 2001.
Friday May 10, 2013 1:39 Debbie BIce
1:40
Heidi Prescott: 
Thank you for joining us, Debbie.
Friday May 10, 2013 1:40 Heidi Prescott
1:40
[Comment From Lee Stevens Lee Stevens : ] 
Heidi did a great job with all of the articles. I hope this series does help bring more awareness. It's hard to imagine what others have been through, even after what we went through. But just having an open dialogue about it is important.
Friday May 10, 2013 1:40 Lee Stevens
1:41
Heidi Prescott: 
Lee, Amanda and Debbie (and any parents joining us late from the series), Why do you think so many people have trouble asking parents about their children who have passed?
Friday May 10, 2013 1:41 Heidi Prescott
1:42
[Comment From Amanda Kehler Amanda Kehler : ] 
I think death in general is something that is hard to talk about. And when it comes to children and babies it is that much harder because its not "natural".
Friday May 10, 2013 1:42 Amanda Kehler
1:42
[Comment From kim kim : ] 
I want to say thank you to Heidi for writing this series and to the parents for letting their stories be told. My daughter would have been 16 on the 21st of May. I cried my eyes out at every story I read because I knew the pain & grief they were going through.
Friday May 10, 2013 1:42 kim
1:43
[Comment From Kandis Tubb Kandis Tubb : ] 
This is Kandis Tubb, my husband Daniel and I suffered a fullterm stillbirth of our son Isaiah in 2008. We have since battled infertility associated with Stave IV Endometriosis.
Friday May 10, 2013 1:43 Kandis Tubb
1:43
Heidi Prescott: 
Thanks for being here, Kandis.
Friday May 10, 2013 1:43 Heidi Prescott
1:43
[Comment From Debbie BIce Debbie BIce : ] 
Dear Guest, There is definitely a hole in our heart that can never be filled no matter how long. The intensity definitely eases in time though. I agree Heidi did an amazing job.
Friday May 10, 2013 1:43 Debbie BIce
1:43
[Comment From Lee Stevens Lee Stevens : ] 
There's a discomfort there. You don't want to upset someone, especially when it's their child who died. You expect parents, grandparents and even siblings to die before you, not your kids.
Friday May 10, 2013 1:43 Lee Stevens
1:44
[Comment From Dorothy Liddell Dorothy Liddell : ] 
I agree because most people don't know what to say. Sorry this is my first time doing this and I didn't put my name in the first comment.
Friday May 10, 2013 1:44 Dorothy Liddell
1:44
[Comment From Kandis Tubb Kandis Tubb : ] 
People are afraid to mention our children out of fear of upsetting us. I think a lot of people would rather pretend babies didn't die, because it completely defies the way things "should" be.
Friday May 10, 2013 1:44 Kandis Tubb
1:44
[Comment From Debbie BIce Debbie BIce : ] 
I think they are scared we will burst into tears and they are frightened on how to handle that. Let's face it little boys are told not to cry. However, all we want is for our children to be remembered.
Friday May 10, 2013 1:44 Debbie BIce
1:45
[Comment From Debbie BIce Debbie BIce : ] 
Kim, happy Heavenly birthday to your angel on the 21st.
Friday May 10, 2013 1:45 Debbie BIce
1:45
[Comment From Lee Stevens Lee Stevens : ] 
Kim, I'm so sorry for your loss. Please know you are not alone.
Friday May 10, 2013 1:45 Lee Stevens
1:45
[Comment From Colleen Duffy Moulton Colleen Duffy Moulton : ] 
Personally I have found that when a mom loses a child before birth people aren't sure how to react, maybe because unlike the mom who carried that baby and has formed a relationship with her child, a friend or relative has no connection to the baby so the loss may not be as real to them.
Friday May 10, 2013 1:45 Colleen Duffy Moulton
1:46
[Comment From Missy Mendenhall Missy Mendenhall : ] 
My name is Missy. My husband and I experienced a miscarriage in 2011 and then our son, Jeremiah, was stillborn in August 2012. We are currently expecting another boy due in September. I think some people have a hard time bringing it up because they aren't sure how we will respond to questions and they don't want to bring up painful memories.
Friday May 10, 2013 1:46 Missy Mendenhall
1:46
Heidi Prescott: 
I'm so glad you could be here, Missy.
Friday May 10, 2013 1:46 Heidi Prescott
1:46
[Comment From Colleen Duffy Moulton Colleen Duffy Moulton : ] 
I admit to being guilty of the same thing - before I lost my first child at about the 10th week of pregnancy I too was unsure as to how to react to the news of an unborn child lost. Once I suffer my own loss my perspective changed completely.
Friday May 10, 2013 1:46 Colleen Duffy Moulton
1:48
[Comment From Dorothy Liddell Dorothy Liddell : ] 
I also think some people think there is less grief with a baby because you didn't know them.
Friday May 10, 2013 1:48 Dorothy Liddell
1:49
[Comment From Amanda Kehler Amanda Kehler : ] 
I agree Dorothy. I think its harder for others because you usually cant put a gender and name to a baby that is lost so so early, where as for us as parents we were bonded immediately.
Friday May 10, 2013 1:49 Amanda Kehler
1:49
[Comment From Holly Farmer Holly Farmer : ] 
Hi. I am Holly Farmer, a Bereavement Counselor with the Center for Hospice Care. I have often heard from parents that they struggle with family and friends who stop asking them about their child. It can be helpful to let your support system know what you need and to let them know it is okay to ask, if you feel that way, and that you will let them know whether you want to talk or not at that time.
Friday May 10, 2013 1:49 Holly Farmer
1:50
Heidi Prescott: 
Thanks for joining us, Holly. You offer a unique perspective to this conversation.
Friday May 10, 2013 1:50 Heidi Prescott
1:50
[Comment From Lee Stevens Lee Stevens : ] 
It's such a great feeling when someone recognizes our children who are no longer with us. It shows you care about us and our children. But I understand how hard it can be. Before Emma I don't know that I would have mentioned someone's child that died.
Friday May 10, 2013 1:50 Lee Stevens
1:50
[Comment From Debbie BIce Debbie BIce : ] 
Missy, congratulations on your upcoming baby, and I'm sorry for your loss.
Friday May 10, 2013 1:50 Debbie BIce
1:51
[Comment From Lee Stevens Lee Stevens : ] 
Missy, congrats on the baby that's coming. Your story, like all of them, was so touching.
Friday May 10, 2013 1:51 Lee Stevens
1:51
[Comment From Debbie BIce Debbie BIce : ] 
After running a support group for six years with parents, grandparents, and siblings I will tell you it doesn't matter what age people are just plain timid of this topic.
Friday May 10, 2013 1:51 Debbie BIce
1:51
[Comment From Kandis Tubb Kandis Tubb : ] 
I also don't think it's entirely intentional for people to not include our children's names in day to day life. I've pointed it out to people that just because someone has passed away, that doesn't negate their place in our family. With babies, there wasn't necessarily a place forged. In our situation, we were the only ones who really got to know Isaiah.
Friday May 10, 2013 1:51 Kandis Tubb
1:52
[Comment From Dorothy Liddell Dorothy Liddell : ] 
I think it changes how you look at life and your own death.
Friday May 10, 2013 1:52 Dorothy Liddell
1:52
[Comment From Kandis Tubb Kandis Tubb : ] 
Dororthy, I completely agree. I have been told, "It's just a baby, get over it." Some people even people who have children, don't form much of a bond with their baby until well after birth, so they assume that it's not painful.
Friday May 10, 2013 1:52 Kandis Tubb
1:55
[Comment From Amanda Kehler Amanda Kehler : ] 
I also was surprised how I felt after I had Zoey. After having 4 losses I was expecting it to be more of an overwhelming bond at first but it took me a little bit to really realize what was happening and that I was finally a mom. The first few days were very surreal, kind of a "I can't believe this finally happened" and "did it really happen and when will this be taken away."
Friday May 10, 2013 1:55 Amanda Kehler
1:55
[Comment From Karen Karen : ] 
I would like to thank you all for sharing your stories in the paper. We lost our daughter in 1990. Dayle Renee, a lot like Lee and Jessica, complications during the birth caused her to lose oxygen to the brain. We disconnected life support at 15 days. We had hoped to donate her organs as she was a healthy 8 pound 13 ounces but due to rules with the organ procurment agency of Michigan it wasn't to be.
Friday May 10, 2013 1:55 Karen
1:55
Heidi Prescott: 
What an amazing gift to give especially during something so tragic.
Friday May 10, 2013 1:55 Heidi Prescott
1:56
[Comment From CB CB : ] 
I miscarried a child when I was 10 weeks pregnant. Luckily the twin survived. I have not had the courage to tell the surviving twin about what happened. I don't know when or how, and honestly, I'm still grieving about it myself. The surviving twin is now 7 years old.
Friday May 10, 2013 1:56 CB
1:57
[Comment From Amanda Kehler Amanda Kehler : ] 
CB that has got to be a hard reminder. I have a cousin with a little girl who was due the same time I was the first time. It is strange attending her birthday party's knowing we should be having one for our child as well.
Friday May 10, 2013 1:57 Amanda Kehler
1:57
[Comment From Debbie BIce Debbie BIce : ] 
CB when the time is right for you, you will know.
Friday May 10, 2013 1:57 Debbie BIce
1:57
[Comment From Jenell Chester Jenell Chester : ] 
Today is my son's birthday. He would have been 13 today. He lived for 2 months but didn't see outside of Riley hospital. Also i just had a miscarriage back in october. that was the 3rd one
Friday May 10, 2013 1:57 Jenell Chester
1:58
Heidi Prescott: 
Thank you for joining us, Jenell. I'm so sorry for your losses.
Friday May 10, 2013 1:58 Heidi Prescott
1:58
[Comment From Holly Farmer Holly Farmer : ] 
The loss of a child is painful whether they die during pregnancy or after they have lived a long life. What we are adjusting to is different though like, grieving the loss of dreams and not having known them vs. having memories of them when they have lived after birth.
Friday May 10, 2013 1:58 Holly Farmer
1:58
[Comment From Colleen Duffy Moulton Colleen Duffy Moulton : ] 
Talking about miscarriages and still birth has always seemed like a taboo topic. It's uncomfortable to discuss if you are not the mom affected yet what people don't realize that often the mom is desperate for someone to talk about her loss with. To have someone validate that her baby existed and that the loss was felt by others as well.
Friday May 10, 2013 1:58 Colleen Duffy Moulton
1:59
[Comment From Debbie BIce Debbie BIce : ] 
Agree, Dorothy. After Cameron I'm not scared to die. I personally feel I'll be reunited.
Friday May 10, 2013 1:59 Debbie BIce
1:59
Heidi Prescott: 
And he'll be ready to give you a great big hug :-)
Friday May 10, 2013 1:59 Heidi Prescott
1:59
[Comment From Missy Mendenhall Missy Mendenhall : ] 
Thank you Debbie and Lee. Until I went through my two losses, I never realized how important and helpful it is to me to talk about them.
Friday May 10, 2013 1:59 Missy Mendenhall
1:59
[Comment From CB CB : ] 
One thing that is difficult for a parent that looses a child during pregnancy, is that most of the time, the child does not have a "grave". People struggle to find a place to mourn. Something as simple as a place to leave flowers can be helpful in the grieving process.
Friday May 10, 2013 1:59 CB
2:00
[Comment From Colleen Duffy Moulton Colleen Duffy Moulton : ] 
I think that oftentimes people don't bring up children who have left us too soon because they don't want to make the mom sad. What they don't realize that it's nice to know that others remember your lost baby and think about them the same as you do.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:00 Colleen Duffy Moulton
2:00
[Comment From Dorothy Liddell Dorothy Liddell : ] 
I agree with Debbie. I was involved with support groups for years. It seems like the people that really understand are the people who have had a child die.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:00 Dorothy Liddell
2:00
[Comment From Debbie BIce Debbie BIce : ] 
When I became pregnant with my twins after Cameron I was told by a co-worker good maybe it will help you get over Cameron. I said which one of your children would you be over and mentioned both their name.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:00 Debbie BIce
2:01
[Comment From Lee Stevens Lee Stevens : ] 
It is hard for people to understand our grieving process. You haven't been with your child very long (opposed to a parent or grandparent). That makes it harder for people to understand our grieving process. And I think we've all heard something like what Kandis heard. People just don't understand how hard it is.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:01 Lee Stevens
2:01
[Comment From kim kim : ] 
I like Lee's comment that "we" are not alone and I think that is a very important message to get out there. Which hopefully this series will do.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:01 kim
2:01
[Comment From Debbie BIce Debbie BIce : ] 
When I lost my son I felt so out of place. So many people put a childs death into a category. Technically he doesn't meet infant because he was a year and nine days and he doesn't meet older child and too young for elementary. It's just plain sad no matter what age their is an emptiness in our arms.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:01 Debbie BIce
2:01
[Comment From Holly Farmer Holly Farmer : ] 
Given how hard it can be for our support systems to know what to say or how to be helpful, it can be important to find a community that relates and understands those challenges, like Compassionate Friends and other support groups. Like the online blog that was featured in the series. This series has already been helpful to grieving parents, thank you for doing it Heidi.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:01 Holly Farmer
2:02
[Comment From Lee Stevens Lee Stevens : ] 
Karen, I'm so sorry for your loss. We wanted to donate, but couldn't as well. I'm sure that would have helped our grieving process a little to know she was helping someone else's baby live a healthy life.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:02 Lee Stevens
2:02
[Comment From Kandis Tubb Kandis Tubb : ] 
Karen, I'm sorry you weren't able to pursue organ donation, but I think its really great that you wanted to.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:02 Kandis Tubb
2:02
[Comment From Lee Stevens Lee Stevens : ] 
CB, our Landon that was born last week was a twin that we lost his brother/sister during pregnancy. I wish I had an answer for that. It's something we'll have to figure out as well.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:02 Lee Stevens
2:02
[Comment From Karen Karen : ] 
We had to open the discussion on the death of Dayle as our youngest (Now 20) was not here when we lost her sister. She worked for Heath at the time he and Missy lost Jeremiah. It is a tough discussion to have no matter the age of the child.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:02 Karen
2:03
[Comment From Debbie BIce Debbie BIce : ] 
Jenell happy birthday to your little guy.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:03 Debbie BIce
2:03
[Comment From Kandis Tubb Kandis Tubb : ] 
Cb, I agree with Debbie, you'll know when to tell, and when the time does come, you'll know just how to say it.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:03 Kandis Tubb
2:03
[Comment From Jenell Chester Jenell Chester : ] 
Thank you
Friday May 10, 2013 2:03 Jenell Chester
2:03
[Comment From Kandis Tubb Kandis Tubb : ] 
Jenell, happy birthday to your son. I'm so sorry for your losses.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:03 Kandis Tubb
2:03
[Comment From Debbie BIce Debbie BIce : ] 
Holly, agreed. I always said that their is name for one who loses spouse, a child who loses a parent but not a parent who loses a child.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:03 Debbie BIce
2:03
[Comment From kim kim : ] 
CB it took me a very long time to tell my second daughter about her sister(I think she was 10). Only you can figure out when is right for you and your child to know.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:03 kim
2:03
[Comment From Debbie BIce Debbie BIce : ] 
Thank you Missy it does help.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:03 Debbie BIce
2:04
[Comment From Holly Farmer Holly Farmer : ] 
When to tell a surviving sibling can be a difficult decision. It might be helpful to talk through the options you have with a counselor or support person you trust.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:04 Holly Farmer
2:04
[Comment From Jenell Chester Jenell Chester : ] 
My son is actually buried with my father and his name is also on the head stone. My mom was super awesome to do that.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:04 Jenell Chester
2:05
[Comment From Dorothy Liddell Dorothy Liddell : ] 
CB - the Angel of Hope is a good place to go - we have a brick there with our daughter's name and birth date.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:05 Dorothy Liddell
2:05
[Comment From Missy Mendenhall Missy Mendenhall : ] 
I never realized how frequently people lose children, whether through miscarriages or complications, until I started reading the other stories in this series. When Heidi talked with my husband about running our story I was really unsure about it. Now, I am really glad that we went through with it. It is reassuring to know that we are not alone.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:05 Missy Mendenhall
2:05
Heidi Prescott: 
I'm glad you agreed, too, Missy. Your voice in this is so important.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:05 Heidi Prescott
2:07
[Comment From Amanda Kehler Amanda Kehler : ] 
I felt like I went through all of my losses for a purpose. I had to decide early on that I was going to use the loss for good. It's part of the reason I was able to get through them so well. I feel if even my story can help one person then it made it worth it.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:07 Amanda Kehler
2:07
[Comment From Holly Farmer Holly Farmer : ] 
Parents I have worked with have shared that finding a way to keep their child's memory alive helps them cope. Like volunteering for March of Dimes, buying a back pack to donate or the other ideas that parents shared in the series. I have often suggested the Angel of Hope Memorial for a place to go when the child doesn't have a grave to visit.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:07 Holly Farmer
2:08
[Comment From Colleen Duffy Moulton Colleen Duffy Moulton : ] 
Holly I have always hesitated when bringing up my losses in conversation, especially with moms who lost their child to still birth, because I have always felt as if my 10 week losses cannot compare to the grief of a mom who lost a full term or almost term child.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:08 Colleen Duffy Moulton
2:08
[Comment From Amanda Kehler Amanda Kehler : ] 
I feel like that too a lot, Colleen.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:08 Amanda Kehler
2:08
[Comment From Lee Stevens Lee Stevens : ] 
I don't expect anyone to understand what we're going through, but don't shut us out of your life. That's happened to us and I'm sure many of you as well.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:08 Lee Stevens
2:09
[Comment From Debbie BIce Debbie BIce : ] 
Please remember there is a rememberance program Saturday at the Angel of Hope with a phenominal speaker.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:09 Debbie BIce
2:09
Heidi Prescott: 
I have attended the program and recommend it for anyone who grieves the loss of a child. It is moving and emotional but very healing. I just can't put words to it.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:09 Heidi Prescott
2:09
[Comment From Dorothy Liddell Dorothy Liddell : ] 
33 years ago we weren't even asked if we wanted to donate any organs - I would have loved to do that also.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:09 Dorothy Liddell
2:09
[Comment From Debbie BIce Debbie BIce : ] 
I'm sorry but I have to leave and get back to work now.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:09 Debbie BIce
2:10
Heidi Prescott: 
Debbie, Thank you SO much for joining us and letting your voice be heard for Cameron.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:10 Heidi Prescott
2:10
[Comment From Lee Stevens Lee Stevens : ] 
My mother and mother-in-law told Jessica and I something when we were in the hospial with Emma that I hold very close to my heart. They wanted us to understand how much they were hurting not only for themselves because of Emma's condition, but also because it was so hard to see their children suffer like we were. That's very important to remember, it's not just us, but our entire family dealing with the death of our children.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:10 Lee Stevens
2:11
[Comment From Amanda Kehler Amanda Kehler : ] 
I had similar experiences Lee. I think some of our extended family took our losses harder then we did at times. Which meant a lot to me but it made me feel almost worse like it was my fault that they were hurting.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:11 Amanda Kehler
2:12
Heidi Prescott: 
And I imagine it's difficult to try to think of anyone else but your baby and your loss.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:12 Heidi Prescott
2:12
[Comment From Karen Karen : ] 
Jenell, I had my Mother in law give up her spot next to her husband for our daughter. It was the most amazing gift she could have given us.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:12 Karen
2:12
[Comment From Jenell Chester Jenell Chester : ] 
Really important. Thanks for sharing.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:12 Jenell Chester
2:12
[Comment From Kandis Tubb Kandis Tubb : ] 
Jenell, my precious son is buried with my grandfather. I love that he's not alone.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:12 Kandis Tubb
2:12
[Comment From Holly Farmer Holly Farmer : ] 
I wanted to say that I am sorry for all of your losses and I wish you strength and comfort. You all are courageous for sharing and your story can be so helpful to others who are feeling alone.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:12 Holly Farmer
2:13
[Comment From Lee Stevens Lee Stevens : ] 
We have so many pictures of Emma up around our house, along with Evan and now Landon. We want them to know they have a sister and she will always be watching over them.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:13 Lee Stevens
2:13
[Comment From Kandis Tubb Kandis Tubb : ] 
And Dorothy, I agree, the Angel of Hope is a wonderful place to go! We also have a brick for our son and two of my husband's aunts. Finding the Angel really helped us in our grief.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:13 Kandis Tubb
2:13
[Comment From Colleen Duffy Moulton Colleen Duffy Moulton : ] 
When I had my first loss I discovered that several of my relatives had also lost pregnancies. It's sad that we feel the need to keep our experiences secret but I understand why it is that way.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:13 Colleen Duffy Moulton
2:13
[Comment From Holly Farmer Holly Farmer : ] 
I believe that we have a right to our pain, but our losses can feel different because we what are adjusting to is different.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:13 Holly Farmer
2:13
[Comment From Guest Guest : ] 
My son would've been 7 this July. It's been hard everyday, some better than others. This week has been especially hard with mothers day approaching. I think the Tribune could have picked a better topic for front page news than infant death. Thank you for making this weekend even harder for myself and many others.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:13 Guest
2:14
Heidi Prescott: 
I'm sorry to hear about your loss.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:14 Heidi Prescott
2:14
[Comment From Kandis Tubb Kandis Tubb : ] 
Missy, at first, I was afraid to show people my vulnerability by sharing something so intimate and close to my heart. I hesitated to share the battles we've since had in trying to grow our family... I didn't want to evoke pitty from people or anything like that. I decided to bare it all in hope of comforting someone who feels just as "stuck" as we do.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:14 Kandis Tubb
2:15
[Comment From Holly Farmer Holly Farmer : ] 
Grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends also grieve our children, and they are also grieving for us. That we had to go throught the death of a child.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:15 Holly Farmer
2:15
[Comment From Kandis Tubb Kandis Tubb : ] 
Karen, that is really touching, that was such an amazing gesture!
Friday May 10, 2013 2:15 Kandis Tubb
2:16
[Comment From Missy Mendenhall Missy Mendenhall : ] 
I agree with you Lee. Not only were our parents and siblings having to see my husband and I go through this loss, but they also were grieving the loss of their grandchild/nephew at the same time.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:16 Missy Mendenhall
2:17
[Comment From Amanda Kehler Amanda Kehler : ] 
I do agree it is a difficult topic to discuss around mothers day but after our losses I would have given anything for our babies to be remembered, rather then forgotten completely.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:17 Amanda Kehler
2:17
[Comment From Jenell Chester Jenell Chester : ] 
I know what you mean. I think of that often. My son is with my best friend and he's looking out for him
Friday May 10, 2013 2:17 Jenell Chester
2:18
[Comment From Lee Stevens Lee Stevens : ] 
It can be tough Amanda. Fortunately we have an amazing support group of family and friends that to this day still offer us support when we need it. We did what we could to make sure others were thought of during Emma's life and funeral, but it's not easy as you all know to do while grieving.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:18 Lee Stevens
2:18
[Comment From Pam Mendenhall Pam Mendenhall : ] 
I think as a parent we always try to fix everything for our children but, in these situations there is nothing that we can do but stand close by and be there to help them cope. Even if it is just a hug, a gentle word, tears that we share I think it helps to let them know that they are not alone.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:18 Pam Mendenhall
2:19
Heidi Prescott: 
Hi Pam, Thank you for being here. Pam is Heath Mendenhall's mom and Missy's mother-in-law. Jeremiah's grandma. I appreciate your perspective. How were your feelings divided between your child and grieving your grandchild at the same time?
Friday May 10, 2013 2:19 Heidi Prescott
2:19
[Comment From Holly Farmer Holly Farmer : ] 
Guilt is such a natural part of the grieving process and can be a hard one to cope with. I hope you don't stay in that place of guilt, it is not your fault.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:19 Holly Farmer
2:19
[Comment From Karen Karen : ] 
My son was 5 years old when his sister died. He was greatly impacted by the loss, more so than we ever really knew. He had a daughter this last December and named her Renee after is sister.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:19 Karen
2:20
[Comment From Karen Karen : ] 
23 years ago this type of sharing wasn't happening. I am so sorry we are all brought together by this but it is so nice to know you are not alone and your feelings and pain and all are normal.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:20 Karen
2:20
[Comment From Lee Stevens Lee Stevens : ] 
Colleen, I can't tell you how many people have come up to Jessica or myself and told us about their losses since Emma's passing. Many have told us no one else knows. I wish it was easier for people to talk about.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:20 Lee Stevens
2:20
[Comment From Lee Stevens Lee Stevens : ] 
I still don't know how the staff at the hospital deals with this. I know they are trained to an extent, but you can't tell me seeing a baby or child die several times a year is easy to deal with. I pray for them often. They were and still are great to us.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:20 Lee Stevens
2:21
[Comment From Kandis Tubb Kandis Tubb : ] 
guest, I'm sorry that you feel that way. I on the other hand, commend the tribune for putting these stories on the front page to help raise awareness. Maybe by reading one of our stories, someone will make it a point to acknowledge a bereaved mother on this mothers day.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:21 Kandis Tubb
2:21
[Comment From Holly Farmer Holly Farmer : ] 
Dear Guest, I am so sorry this series has been difficult for you to see so close to Mother's Day. Grief can be so different for people, for you this has been painful and for others it may be helpful. I wish you support and comfort on sunday.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:21 Holly Farmer
2:21
[Comment From Lee Stevens Lee Stevens : ] 
Pam, I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't know you, but thank you for being there for Missy and her husband.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:21 Lee Stevens
2:21
[Comment From Kandis Tubb Kandis Tubb : ] 
Pam, you make a great point. My dad prides himself on fixing things, and it just devastated him to not be able to fix losing Isaiah.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:21 Kandis Tubb
2:21
[Comment From Holly Farmer Holly Farmer : ] 
Dear Pam, I wish all parents were able to offer what you suggested to their adult grieving children. Some parents find out that their own parents are not able to provide the support they expect or need and that ends up being another loss. I am glad there are services in the community so if your family is not providing the support you need, you can reach out to a group that is a able to provide that support.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:21 Holly Farmer
2:23
[Comment From Amanda Kehler Amanda Kehler : ] 
Karen what was your initial reaction when your son named your granddaughter after your daughter? Was there a little bit of a sting at first because of the reminder or did you immediately feel honored?
Friday May 10, 2013 2:23 Amanda Kehler
2:23
[Comment From Holly Farmer Holly Farmer : ] 
Grandparents and other family members may also need support to help them cope, especially when they want to be there for the grieving parents, but don't know how to do that when they are grieving too.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:23 Holly Farmer
2:25
Heidi Prescott: 
In addition to close family support, has anyone found support and healing anywhere else, as in the web and community support groups?
Friday May 10, 2013 2:25 Heidi Prescott
2:27
[Comment From Amanda Kehler Amanda Kehler : ] 
I have a lot of support online. I actually have a small group of friends that I would have never met and know had we not experienced our loss. We have actually gone on vacation with them a few times in the past. Something completely unexpected but now I couldnt imagine not having these relationships.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:27 Amanda Kehler
2:27
[Comment From Colleen Duffy Moulton Colleen Duffy Moulton : ] 
I can totally understand how this would be a difficult series to face in light of Mother's Day being just around the corner, but its also wonderful to know that we can celebrate and be honored for the babies that we were given the chance to care for even if it was for only a brief moment. My most recent loss is especially difficult to face because while others kept saying "at least you have two beautiful daughters" all I could think about was how my last chance at being a mom was gone and there was nothing I could do about it. My daughters lost a sibling that they would have adored and cherished.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:27 Colleen Duffy Moulton
2:27
[Comment From Pam Mendenhall Pam Mendenhall : ] 
It was very hard. You were grieving the loss of the new baby and seeing your child and your daughter-in-love hurting was really tough. You couldn't do anything but pick up the broken pieces and let them know that you were going to be there after all of the others may have left. Sometimes just the smallest of things will trigger the hurt again. It is like a sore that heals a little but each time it is bumped it opens up and hurts again. I think over time it may get a little easier but it never goes away.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:27 Pam Mendenhall
2:28
[Comment From Lee Stevens Lee Stevens : ] 
Holly, that is something we often heard, people don't know how they can help. Just be there for us, say hi, treat us like anyone else, and talk about our child.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:28 Lee Stevens
2:28
[Comment From Lee Stevens Lee Stevens : ] 
We found a little bit of healing by creating a garden in our yard for Emma. It has flowers and plants from her funeral. It also gave us a reason to get out of the house and do some yard work at a time when we didn't want to do anything.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:28 Lee Stevens
2:28
[Comment From Colleen Duffy Moulton Colleen Duffy Moulton : ] 
I desperately love my daughters here on earth but at the same time their presence doesn't eliminate the pain that I feel having lost their two siblings. Those babies are equally my children, I just never had a chance to meet them.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:28 Colleen Duffy Moulton
2:30
Heidi Prescott: 
An 86-year-old Mishawaka man left me a message the other day, a message in which he broke down and cried because the series and our dialogue made him remember the several miscarriages he and his wife suffered. Then they had a little girl who only lived 36 hours. "It never goes away," he told me through tears.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:30 Heidi Prescott
2:30
[Comment From Holly Farmer Holly Farmer : ] 
Mother's and Father's Day can be so hard when you have experienced a miscarriage and do not have other children. Even when a child only lived for weeks during a pregnancy, you were parenting that child during those weeks. You have a right to honor that on those special days.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:30 Holly Farmer
2:31
Heidi Prescott: 
I think Mother's Day and Father's Day can also prove difficult if you miscarry and have other children still living. Because you were supposed to be celebrating with one more.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:31 Heidi Prescott
2:31
[Comment From Dorothy Liddell Dorothy Liddell : ] 
I did from a group in Michigan called HOPING and Compassionate Friends.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:31 Dorothy Liddell
2:31
[Comment From Kandis Tubb Kandis Tubb : ] 
I met a great group of ladies on a message board through iVillage for mothers dealing with stillbirth. I also founded a local chapter of Threads of Love, which is named Isaiah's Chapter. TOL provides memory keepsake items, hats, blankets and clothing for babies, for families that have lost a child to miscarriage stillbirth or infant loss. I also do a lot of work with Memorial hospital donating memory boxes.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:31 Kandis Tubb
2:32
[Comment From Holly Farmer Holly Farmer : ] 
Lee, what a wonderful way to remember and honor Emma.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:32 Holly Farmer
2:32
[Comment From Dorothy Liddell Dorothy Liddell : ] 
Pam, a term I remember reading about was called "shadow grief". After 33 years the pain does get better but it is always there in the shadows and can surface at any time. It can come on quickly and leave you quickly.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:32 Dorothy Liddell
2:32
[Comment From Karen Karen : ] 
Amanda, I felt honored he decided to name her after his sister and a bit like a bad mom for not seeing all the effects Dayle's death had on him. He is a true male. You don't show your feelings. I have been married 26 years and Dayle's death is the only time my husband has ever cried.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:32 Karen
2:32
[Comment From Pam Mendenhall Pam Mendenhall : ] 
There is one thing that I think needs to be mentioned. No two people grieve alike or for the same amount of time. However you are able to make it through your day is okay. Don't let anyone lay guilt on you for the feelings that you are experiencing after the loss of a little one.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:32 Pam Mendenhall
2:32
[Comment From Lee Stevens Lee Stevens : ] 
Pam that is a great way to explain it.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:32 Lee Stevens
2:33
[Comment From Karen Karen : ] 
Guest, there is never a good time to run a series like this that won't hurt someone. Mother's day with or without this series is always hard. I am sorry for your loss and your feelings about the series are valid. We all grieve in our own way, there is no right or wrong, it just is.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:33 Karen
2:33
[Comment From Lee Stevens Lee Stevens : ] 
It is a life-long battle. I sometimes dread going to weddings because of the father-daughter dance.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:33 Lee Stevens
2:35
[Comment From Amanda Kehler Amanda Kehler : ] 
Karen I agree the men grieve much differently. I remember after our first loss I found myself angry at my husband because he wasn't "more upset" it was then that he told me that he was upset but he waited for me to fall asleep before he cried because he felt he needed to be strong for me. How did you process your grief Lee?
Friday May 10, 2013 2:35 Amanda Kehler
2:35
[Comment From Kandis Tubb Kandis Tubb : ] 
I find that doing good in Isaiah's name, helps me to heal. Creating a legacy for my child since he cannot create his own, is very important to me.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:35 Kandis Tubb
2:35
[Comment From Kandis Tubb Kandis Tubb : ] 
Lee, I dread weddings for the same reason. The mother-son dance really gets to me... then I feel bad for being selfish.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:35 Kandis Tubb
2:36
[Comment From Holly Farmer Holly Farmer : ] 
Heidi, I am so glad you did this series and that it touched so many parents. We never forget and we don't get over it, we get through it and the intensity of the pain usually diminishes over time, but even years later, a wave of grief can hit, sometimes when we expect it due to a special day, but sometimes we don't expect it. I hope when those waves of grief happen, you have good support to help you through.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:36 Holly Farmer
2:37
[Comment From Lee Stevens Lee Stevens : ] 
Amanda, I did a lot of crying, but wanted to help others. I focused a lot on that, especially my wife who had just undergone an emergency c-section along with other health priblems.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:37 Lee Stevens
2:41
[Comment From Amanda Kehler Amanda Kehler : ] 
I think its important for people to not feel forced to talk about it. I think its something that has to feel right and you have to take some time for yourself before opening up to others about it. It was all most a month after our first loss that I felt comfortable talking about it. I didnt want to leave the house much in fear of being asked about it. Now that we are expecting our second while our first is still under one I feel guilty going out as well thinking people who are grieving a loss or struggling with infertility see me and are reminded of what they should have or want so badly.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:41 Amanda Kehler
2:42
[Comment From Lee Stevens Lee Stevens : ] 
Kandis, I don't know that I've ever felt guilty, too much worrying about my loss I guess.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:42 Lee Stevens
2:42
[Comment From Kandis Tubb Kandis Tubb : ] 
I'm so glad that you did this series too, Heidi. You've really helped so much in the movement to break the silence about infant and pregnancy loss. And you've helped so many families feel comforted to know that they're not alone.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:42 Kandis Tubb
2:42
[Comment From Holly Farmer Holly Farmer : ] 
People can grieve differently - openly emotional and talkative vs. keeping it to themselves. Some grieve by doing, but they don't necessarily identify what they are doing as their grief expression. For the partner not giving birth, there can be the added piece of feeling helpless since it is not their body. They may also delay their grief while the partner who was pregnant is physically healing.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:42 Holly Farmer
2:45
[Comment From Kandis Tubb Kandis Tubb : ] 
My husband and I differed greatly in terms of grieving. We were never at the same "stage". He's admitted that he felt he needed to be strong for me. Now looking back, I realize that had he not been there to hold me up, I likely would not have survived. I'm not proud to admit that, but it's real.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:45 Kandis Tubb
2:47
Heidi Prescott: 
And what is it like now for you and Daniel, after encountering so many roadblocks to conceive again, after losing Isaiah, and knowing you might never have the chance at another biological child? I only ask this because we have talked about this with you.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:47 Heidi Prescott
2:47
[Comment From Colleen Duffy Moulton Colleen Duffy Moulton : ] 
I felt a moment of guilt when, right after my second loss, my cousin sent me a wonderful message letting me know that she was thinking of me and how she understood how I felt since she had lost her only child at 22 weeks. The fact that she saw my loss as equal to hers was so meaningful but at the same time I didn't feel worthy of her grief. She had held her child, named him and had an opportunity to meet him briefly. My experience was so different, so much less traumatic. Yet she honored my grief. To this day it still means the world to me.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:47 Colleen Duffy Moulton
2:48
[Comment From Dorothy Liddell Dorothy Liddell : ] 
Thanks again for doing the series even though it was close to Mother's Day. I think it will show that our children that are not with us physically are always with us in our hearts.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:48 Dorothy Liddell
2:48
Heidi Prescott: 
They are.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:48 Heidi Prescott
2:49
[Comment From Anonymous Anonymous : ] 
My nephew was stillborn, at full term. My in-laws (the parents of the stillborn) closed themselves off from our family, choosing to not participate in family functions, or show up but be very unhappy about it, including at my daughter's first birthday party. They have since decided to be a part of our family, and we welcome them with open arms. My question, I guess, is this: How should I handle the resentment that I still feel for my in-laws being absent during that time? I know that depression and grief are very real feelings, but some acknowledgement of our feelings would be nice, too.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:49 Anonymous
2:53
[Comment From Amanda Kehler Amanda Kehler : ] 
Is it possible for you to do something in remembrance of your nephew. Kind of as a "peace" offering, do you think that would be some sort of closer for you? I know after our losses I had friends that kind of took a step back because they were unsure of how to act around me after our losses. I'm sure it was similar for them. They may have felt like an outcast to the family?
Friday May 10, 2013 2:53 Amanda Kehler
2:53
[Comment From Lee Stevens Lee Stevens : ] 
Anonymous, I'm sure you have resentment, and sometimes even more, but please don't hold their actions against them. It's hard for everyone. They had to deal with it in their own way.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:53 Lee Stevens
2:53
[Comment From Kandis Tubb Kandis Tubb : ] 
It has definitely weathered our marriage. We had to make the conscious decision to focus on being Kandis and Daniel again. We had lost touch with being in love and enjoying life. He is the only other living piece of Isaiah, and I couldn't bear the thought of losing him too. It was almost like learning to fall in love again...
Friday May 10, 2013 2:53 Kandis Tubb
2:53
[Comment From Lee Stevens Lee Stevens : ] 
Kandis, I completely understand. I know it wasn't easy for Jessica or myself for a long time. Seeing someone with a baby was really tough for us, but we were able to deal with it in our own ways. We still have tough moments and days for many different reasons. But we are able to help each other through those times, we can almost sense when the other is having a tough day.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:53 Lee Stevens
2:54
Heidi Prescott: 
Lee, What is a tough moment or a tough day?
Friday May 10, 2013 2:54 Heidi Prescott
2:54
[Comment From Holly Farmer Holly Farmer : ] 
Many parents I have worked with talk about the death of their child as being the most difficult loss they had ever experienced. It can overwhelm your usual internal and external support system. Needing help to get through such a difficult and challenging time is natural and I am glad he was there for you.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:54 Holly Farmer
2:55
[Comment From Lee Stevens Lee Stevens : ] 
I know we've mentioned Mother's Day several times, but please don't forget the fathers, grandfathers, uncles, and brothers. They may not show their grief in public, but it is there and it hurts more than they will probably admit.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:55 Lee Stevens
2:55
Heidi Prescott: 
Thank you for that reminder. Such an important point, Lee.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:55 Heidi Prescott
2:55
[Comment From Holly Farmer Holly Farmer : ] 
Celebrations for children in the family can be so difficult for parents to attend after experiencing the death of a child. The grief can be so overwhelming and the reminders during the celebration can as painful as asking someone with a broken leg to run a marathon.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:55 Holly Farmer
2:57
[Comment From Karen Karen : ] 
My mother was angry at the doctors and was pushing for us to file a lawsuit. It wasn't their fault. The doctor was so upset with the loss, he was a family friend, nothing he could have done differently but mom pushed for years. But it was her way of handling the grief. She finally gave up on the lawsuit and just started to enjoy the grand children she had with her. It was hard on us but it made us all stronger and closer. Thank you for this chat session but I have to leave now. God bless you all.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:57 Karen
2:59
[Comment From Amanda Kehler Amanda Kehler : ] 
Karen I think its very natural to look for someone or something to blame. I did this to myself. Maybe I shouldnt have gotten my hair colored, what if it was because I missed my prenatal vitamins a few days. Unfortunately there isnt always someone or something to blame.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:59 Amanda Kehler
2:59
[Comment From Lee Stevens Lee Stevens : ] 
Sometimes I have a tough time just looking at the hospital where Emma lived her life. Sometimes a song comes on the radio or you see a baby/child the same age as Emma, the pain comes back so quickly and with no warning. I've told people that I would get to work for many months and just sit in my car not knowing if I could face people that day. I'm a different person when I'm having a rough day, I'm very quiet, it's hard to be around people, I don't want to even make eye contact. I wish no one would ever have to go through what we've been through, but I hope the articles this week have helped anyone that has been through it.
Friday May 10, 2013 2:59 Lee Stevens
3:03
[Comment From Holly Farmer Holly Farmer : ] 
I have to leave the chat, but I want to thank all of you for sharing your stories. I admire your courage and your willingness to open up can be so helpful to other parents who feel alone. I also thank Heidi and the South Bend Tribune for doing this series.
Friday May 10, 2013 3:03 Holly Farmer
3:03
[Comment From Dorothy Liddell Dorothy Liddell : ] 
You are so right Lee. Men should not be forgotten. I think mothers were mentioned more here today because Mother's Day is just around the corner. We will be thinking of you next month on Father's Day. It is difficult on men because often they try to be strong when they are hurting too.
Friday May 10, 2013 3:03 Dorothy Liddell
3:04
Heidi Prescott: 
Thanks, everyone, for taking the time to be here today, for your input, and for sharing your thoughts and feelings about such a difficult topic.

Thank you Amanda, Debbie, Missy, Lee, Kandis -- our families who so willingly and honestly shared their stories in "Gone too soon." And to Holly for sharing your knowledge from the counseling you do of those who grieve.

If you know someone who was not here for the chat, please tell them they can read the transcript at any time on our website. It's there for when they feel ready to read about your experiences and maybe it will help them through their own grief.

"Gone too soon" is available on our website under "News" and "Special Reports" at www.southbendtribune.com. I can be reached anytime at www.facebook.com/thebasket and hprescott@sbtinfo.com.

Thanks again. Heidi

Friday May 10, 2013 3:04 Heidi Prescott
3:07