Crime & Punishment: "If There Weren't Four Other Cops Here, I'd Beat the Shit Out of You"

According to a Pentagon report, 19,000 sexual assaults occur in the military each year. A seemingly insane Quinnipiac University professor says all those broads practically asked for it. "What do you expect to happen when women are put among men trained to be fighters?" asked Peter Cortland, an associate professor of English, in a jaw-dropping letter published in the New Haven Register. "The military is not a college liberal club. It is not intended to promote sociability." Cortland adds that we should "not imagine the women are innocent. They know why they are there — why they were put there — to seduce and degrade the military." Cortland, who unbelievably has a PhD from Syracuse and teaches at an institution of higher learning, claims "liberals are fixated on 1930s Spain and imagine the military is plotting a coup, so they want to mislead and disarm it," hence their nefarious plan to sabotage the armed forces with vaginas. Professor, we award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul.

Najla Staggers, assistant principal of the Glastonbury-East Hartford Magnet School, was arrested for an alleged five-year campaign of harassment against her ex-boyfriend. Police told the New Haven Register that Staggers, 35, placed hostile text messages and phone calls to the East Haven man (who she had dated for 11 years), using an online service to hide her own number. The ex reportedly changed his number five times, but Staggers always seemed to find the new one, as well as the digits of his new love interests, allegedly sending them messages indicating he was cheating. He blamed three breakups on Staggers. At one point, she allegedly texted him a message that read "jus lef out condo sumthin lef on blaizer" just before he found scratch marks on his Chevrolet Blazer. (We're not sure which is more embarrassing for an educator, the vandalism or the spelling.)

"If there weren't four other cops here, I'd beat the shit out of you," Danbury police officer Chris Belair told an undocumented immigrant he suspected was driving drunk before he moved in to smack him. (Though charged with running a stop sign and driving without a license, the man was not charged with DUI.) Belair's meltdown was captured on a recording device one of the officers was wearing. Because Danbury cops find this kind of thing amusing (and are super-smart) they passed the audio around, letting it slip to someone who filed a complaint with City Hall and submitted to the Danbury News-Times. Belair was fired and three officers also on the scene are on unpaid suspensions.

The Middletown Relay for Life was apparently no reason for Linda Watson and Laurie Hunter to put aside their inter-family feud. Hunter, who is married to Watson's cousin, demanded to know why Watson was at the anti-cancer fun run, leading Hunter to shun her as she talked to the rest of the family, according to the Middletown Patch website. Later, the two were reportedly involved in a scuffle, in which Hunter allegedly whacked Watson in the head with a bag of candles meant for a ceremony remembering cancer victims.

Millard Reynolds loves his dog - and he'll cap some fools to show it, apparently. Reynolds, 33, raced into Northside Animal Hospital in Danbury carrying the unconscious dog and then pulled out a handgun and threatened to gun down staffers if the pet died, police told the Hartford Courant. As a veterinarian went to work, an assistant called cops. The dog did pass away (the vet said it was dead when Reynolds arrived), which might explain why he appears to be crying in his mug shot.

Ever want to just punch one of your in-laws in the face? Ask John Grzywacz of Fairfield if that feels as liberating as it might seem. Grzywacz, 40, allegedly socked his brother-in-law Christopher Burr, 44, after the two exited a liquor store. The Fairfield Citizen did not give any reason for the apparently sudden attack (aside from the unwise combination of in-laws and liquor). Police received several calls about the two men brawling in the street.

Michael Crockett, who sits on the Manchester Board of Education, has apologized for blaming another board member's tardiness on "BPT," or "black people time." The Hartford Courant reports that the board's chairman has threatened Crockett with formal reprimand for allegedly thrice making the comment about Ron Atwater, the only African-American on the board.

There is a guy in Hartford who won't let the party stop for nothing — nothing! Police say the man was walking down Liberty Street when an assailant grabbed his shoulder, took out a semi-automatic and shot a bullet that grazed his thigh. Despite bleeding from the wound, the victim attended a party in Massachusetts and only afterwards sought treatment at Hartford Hospital, according to the Courant.

A retired police officer in Norwich is apparently keeping himself busy. A teen reportedly identified 58-year-old Alfred Lamarche as the man who twice drove up to her as she walked to school and flaunted his genitals, according to WTNH. Lamarche was charged with public indecency.