"Welcome to NBC's exclusive coverage of Pennsylvania's first Real Winter Olympics. I'm your host Bob Costas, and with me here is movie and television personality Mr. T, beloved by Pennsylvanians because of his iconic role as boxer Clubber Lang in 'Rocky 3.'"
"What happened to your eyes? They look disgustin'."
"Just a little bout with pink eye that I picked up in Sochi. I'm told it's no longer contagious."
"It better not be. You look like one of my pet rats."
"Our studio here is in Bethlehem, and unlike the unseasonably balmy home of this year's Winter Olympic Games in Russia, this is one of the most Godforsaken winter wastelands I've ever seen. Mr. T, what kind of people could live in a place like this?"
"I pity the fools."
"On the bright side, it should make for some exciting winter events, including the one we'll take you out to right now, the conclusion of today's Road Saltathon. As we speak, road masters from salt-deprived Lehigh Valley communities, shovels strapped to their backs, are cross-country skiing for 25 kilometers in hopes of being first to a huge pile of PennDOT road salt. Mr. T, what's your prediction?"
"We would love to be able to show you this race, but it's snowing so hard we can't see anything. Erin Andrews, are you out there for commentary?"
"Actually," Andrews said, "our car skidded into a ditch on the way over there, so we're nowhere near the race."
"Maybe you and the crew could hike to the finish line so we can see these guys shoveling the salt into their trucks."
"I'm not risking my neck in a nor'easter."
"Mr. T, you have any comment?"
"Smart lady. These people are crazy to live here."
"Let's change gears and move to the medal ceremony for the Lie-athalon, which was won handily by Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Corbett with his 2014-15 budget proposal. Look at him beaming as they play the national anthem."
"That ain't the national anthem," said Mr. T.
"You're right. I don't recognize … . Wait, I'm told it's the theme song for the National Association of Natural Gas Producers."
"Catchy," said Mr. T.
"Let's head out to the speed skating venue and our expert commentators, Charles Barkley and Johnny Weir."
"Expert?" Barkley said. "I've never been on skates in my life."