By Steven Zeitchik
10:30 AM EDT, June 5, 2013
The news that Ryan Braun, Alex Rodriguez and other baseball stars could each be suspended for 100 games by Major League Baseball for ties to an anti-aging clinic has rocked the sports world. Some of our biggest heroes, those we look to imitate every time we step on a summer softball league field, were allegedly using performance-enhancing drugs.
After years of lip service, pro leagues have finally become more aggressive in policing sins against their sport. It makes one wonder: Could Hollywood enact similar policies?
Of course, if movie stars were suspended for their ties to anti-aging clinics, pretty much anyone who works in Hollywood would be out of work, save for small children and Betty White.
But the essence of what baseball want to stop — behavior that that undermines the public's trust — is something Hollywood has an interest in halting, too. So it also could, in response to stars who commit such violations (not performance-enhancing drugs, of course, but the roles that rob us of that trust) consider taking away what matters most to these people.
Consider it a Selig-like crackdown, Tinseltown edition. Vin Diesel would be banned from acting in any movie with a car chase for at least two years and would be allowed to work only in quirky relationship dramas that starred Mark Ruffalo and Jesse Eisenberg.
Josh Duhamel would be banned for an indefinite period, though an exception would be made if he played a slovenly, smelly man no woman wants to get near.
Channing Tatum would be given a partial suspension, one that allows him to work if he keeps his shirt on and recites the Gettysburg Address at least twice in every role.
If you try to cut corners and take advantage of rules, you’re taking advantage of us. So the cast of “The Hangover Part III” would be banned from any movie that featured either Baby Bjorn, Mike Tyson or any film whose audience is more than 30% frat-boy.
And after “After Earth,” Will Smith would no longer be allowed to star in movies that are set in a future he then proceeds to save. Ditto for Tom Cruise, who would be banned outright after "Jack Reacher."
Will Ferrell couldn’t play the clueless over-the-top alpha male, not even disguised as a magician who looks like Steve Carell. Recent “Die Hard” movies might themselves be construed as a betrayal of our goodwill. So Bruce Willis could star in films only where he didn’t play a wisecracking Messiah, and would be prohibited from uttering catch-phrases that contain more than three vowels.
All of this would be hard for us. And it would be hard for them. But it would help restore our trust just a little bit every time we went to buy a movie ticket. And if it means these actors’ livelihoods are affected, welll, there’s always baseball. We hear there may soon be some roster openings.
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