This is the last time I will address you about issues related to the Aug. 14 primary, because the Courant does not allow us to write about the candidates on that final Sunday.
Chris Shays would not have enough time to mount a defense, assemble DNA samples, and punch me in the face.
So this is it. My last chance to say what's on my mind.
First of all, please vote. Even if you have just gotten out of Long Island Sound and have a jellyfish wrapped around your neck and a sand shark clamped on your left heel, bring your sandy, sunblock-covered self to the polls
If you are a Republican you should vote for Chris Shays, even though he has run a lackluster campaign. Maybe if he spent a little more time making political news and a little less time impregnating actresses young enough to be his granddaughter, he would not be so far behind in the polls.
At least Shays has run a campaign. His opponent Linda McMahon is essentially one big icy comet of TV commercials, trailing stardust and loose change as she roars through our solar system. She does not answer questions from the press. She does the minimum number of debates (two). At those debates, she is a well-heeled pod person.
It would be more fair if she would run against another commercial. I believe Flo from the Progressive insurance commercials would crush her, and I have a clearer sense of who Flo is, as a person.
If you are a Democrat, you should vote for Chris Murphy. If I were more self-interested, I would urge you to vote for Susan Bysiewicz. As a political humor writer, I am very nervous about having Murphy and Richard Blumenthal as our senators. They're bad for business. Murphy has not been funny since Lee Whitnum barked "Whore!!" at him in a debate, and you can't count on that kind of thing happening very often.
In 2010, by contrast, Bysiewicz simultaneously drove her own political career off a cliff and ran a train wreck of an election. She is the Buster Keaton of Connecticut politics, constantly and comically at war with her own environment.
I did write a little dismissively about Murphy earlier in this cycle, but he has grown in stature, mainly by not being any of the other candidates.
If you are a Democrat in the 5th District, you should probably leave the jellyfish on your neck until its neurotoxins seep into your hippocampus and erase your memory.
You should probably not vote for Chris Donovan. It pains me to say this because Donovan's views are similar to my own and because nobody has, of this writing, actually accused him of doing anything wrong.
Even so, we have only one U.S. Congress and only five delegates thereto. We can reasonably ask for candidates whose path to office is not one giant weasel rodeo.
You should probably vote for Elizabeth Esty and, as you do, pray that the soul of Joe Lieberman does not leap from his body — like at the end of "The Exorcist" — into hers and turn her into a person who spends a lot of her time making wretched arrangements with fiendish and hideously inappropriate allies.
If you are a Republican in the 5th, you should not vote for Lisa Wilson-Foley. See the reasoning applied to Donovan above. Washington is enough of a snake pit without bringing one's own homegrown snakes.
You should vote for Andrew Roraback. Roraback himself recently offered some very good advice on how to survive the primary: "Don't think, don't feel, any more than you can help, don't conclude or decide — don't do anything but wait. Everything will pass, and serenity and accepted mysteries and disillusionments, and the tenderness of a few good people, and new opportunities and ever so much of life, in a word, will remain."
OK, that wasn't Roraback. It was Henry James. But do you see? On Aug. 15, so much will remain. We just have to get through this.