Conditioning Hillary to take the hits as they come

Hillary Clinton

Former U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton smiles during a lengthy ovation for her at the start of an event on empowering woman and girls, at the World Bank in Washington in this May 14, 2014 file photo. When likely Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton kicks off the tour to promote her new memoir on Tuesday, she will follow the well-worn path of other politicians, including President Barack Obama and Republican Mitt Romney, who have published books before pursuing the White House. (JONATHAN ERNST / REUTERS / June 5, 2014)

Hillary Clinton is coming to Chicago this week to promote her new book, "Hard Choices," and perhaps pave the way to the presidency.

Is she physically fit to run the most powerful nation in the world? Does she have the energy?

The questions have been dogging Clinton since she left her job as secretary of state, never mind the fact that for most of her time in the post she exhibited the stamina of an Iditarod champ.

But everybody needs help getting and staying healthy, so today we're offering Clinton a free training program guaranteed to build the strength, flexibility and balance she'll need for the coming book blitz and whatever follows.

Please note that this fitness regimen, though tailored for Clinton, can be modified to suit politicians of any gender or party affiliation.

'The Hillary Clinton Kick-Butt Workout'

CARDIO BLAST

Take a slow, deep breath. Exhale with control.

Now, standing with your feet hip-width apart, turn on a TV. Tune into Sean Hannity's show on Fox. Modifying your stance slightly, turn on a computer and begin simultaneously live-streaming Glenn Beck.

If you have not hit your target heart rate within 60 seconds, turn on a radio and tune into Rush Limbaugh.

Warning: If you feel excessive anxiety or shortness of breath, immediately turn off the computer and radio and switch the TV to "Scandal" until your heart rate returns to normal.

RUNNING IN PLACE

Begin to jog, slowly, holding your arms loosely at your sides. Increase the pace — lift those knees! — until you are too winded to repeat the words "John Boehner" for one full minute.

For variation, replace "John Boehner" with other words, such as "Mitch McConnell" or "Bill."

Do NOT move forward.

This time-honored exercise, practiced by presidents of both parties, is guaranteed to prepare you for years of exertion that gets you nowhere.

DUMBBELL LIFT

With your feet parallel, visualize a Democrat you can't stand.

Then bend your knees and quickly pick up two 100-pound dumbbells. Hold and squeeze all the muscles in your face. On an exhale, say, "Dumbbell." Release.

Inhale.

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