| Jun 1, 2014
| 10:00 PM
If I could command every working person in America to do one thing, it would be: “Give me the rest of that doughnut.”
If I could make a second command — after I finished the doughnuts — it would be: “Please be yourself.&...
| May 19, 2014
Most workplaces have at least a few people who seem to have risen up the company ranks solely on the power of their own incompetence.
They're the co-workers we look at and say: Who the heck made him boss? Who put her in charge of this project? What...
| Apr 28, 2014
I may be America's most-beloved workplace advice columnist, but I am not a master of efficiency when it comes to work. I'm easily distracted and routinely succumb to the siren song of social media.
(I'll give you a moment — it's always hard to...
| Jun 10, 2013
As regular readers of this column know, my last vacation involved a cactus and the unfortunate perforation of my buttocks. (Thank you for all the sympathy cards.)
So I'm pleased to report that on a recent trip to Disney World — aka "Mickey Mouse's...
| Jun 17, 2013
That's a good point! (No it isn't.)
I'd be happy to join the team! (I'd rather be eaten by wart hogs.)
Your cake is delicious! (Thanks for the food poisoning, Julia Child.)
These are but a few examples of the lies we tell at work. Most aren't...
| Jun 24, 2013
A new study has found that an employee's efficiency increases by more than 200 percent when that person is given the option of sitting in a chair made of milk chocolate.
The study was conducted by me, on behalf of my new company, ChocoChair Inc. (Our...
| Jul 1, 2013
When I daydream, I envision a workplace where people are nice to one another and everyone gets along.
I also envision wearing a jet pack, flying across the city and landing, to great applause, in a Dairy Queen parking lot where I'm given buckets of free...
| Jan 7, 2013
The workplace is a lot like football. I say that not because it's true, but because it's a handy way to justify the hours I spend watching football. Also, it allows me to write off nachos as a business expense.
But this week, the football-workplace...
| Jan 14, 2013
If everyone was just like me, the entire office would be made of Belgian chocolate and we'd watch movies all day, stopping only occasionally to nibble on the walls.
Unfortunately, my workplace is like everyone else's: made of bland, inedible materials...
| Jan 21, 2013
I expect that doctors in the delivery room will soon hoist up newborns and proclaim, "Congratulations! It's a brand!"
That's the world we live in, folks. We're no longer just people — we're warm-blooded versions of Nike or Budweiser or, in my...
| Mar 11, 2013
Because I am predominantly flawless, I have little need for introspection.
(I'll pause a moment to give you time to agree. Feel free to applaud.)
Of course there's always a slight possibility I have room for improvement, particularly if "crippling...