Could expert analysis take the fun out of watching NFL games?

Basketball's ending, baseball's beginning, so what do we talk about on this Easter morning?

Pro football, of course, because I can't think of anything to say about colored eggs.

In 2010, Fox Sports pulled a fast one on everybody else by hiring NFL officiating veteran Mike Pereira to be on constant Sunday call. When a Fox game has a sticky officiating problem, Pereira shows up like some kind of superhero to clarify the situation (usually as an advocate of the on-field officials). And we sit back at home and pretend we know what he's talking about.

It works — but why has everyone stopped there?

Marc Daniels, host of The Beat of Sports on 740theGame, has made a prediction for the upcoming NFL season. He believes one of the networks will begin using a medical expert to show up and tell us more than we would ever want to know about brain injuries, shattered knees and snapping Achilles.

If someone hires Dr. James Andrews, it will be a major coup.

Why stop there? My guess is that the competing networks will soon want to have a consulting expert about everything. For example:

• Jimmy Bedwetter, fantasy football guru: Announcer — "Aaron Rodgers has gone down with a twisted knee and looks doubtful for next week, so you need to make your waiver wire pick now! Let's call on Jimmy Bedwetter — whose 'Damp Sheets' fantasy team is a three-time champion. Jimmy, will our listeners be better off with Brandon Weeden, Chad Henne or ritual suicide by disembowelment?"

• Billy "Double Down" Bowkowski, Las Vegas insider: Announcer — "Games are about to start and there has been a suspicious swing in the point-spread on that Giants-Cowboys game. Let's go to our buddy, Double Down, somewhere on the Vegas strip to find out what's going on . . . What? Oh, I'm being told that Billy had an accident last night and apparently broke all of his fingers. We'll check in on Billy later."

• J. Barton Centrifuge, "the Masked Chemist": Announcer — "Well, in the pregame warmups, the players look bigger and stronger than ever. We can't see his face but that doesn't stop us from calling on the Masked Chemist to give us a few tips on what's the hottest product on the market right now. We all know his slogan: 'If you don't know what it is, you can't test for it.' J.B., what have you got for us today?"

Football — America's game.

Drivers, start your punches

How can you like any NASCAR driver better than Tony Stewart? He had a typical NASCAR dust-up (two drivers snarling at each other while 50 mechanics keep them apart) with Joey Logano. Said Stewart: "After he threw the water bottle at me like a little girl, we'll go at it now." I like that.

Stewart also admitted that those NASCAR "fights" are silly. He suggested they copy hockey and fight with sticks. I like that, too, 'cause it would be neat to watch Stewart call for his stick and then put a whuppin' on somebody.

However, those 50 other guys are not going away, so the best thing would be an old-fashioned schoolyard brawl. Somebody screams "Fight!" and everyone forms a circle around the two drivers. Their manhood (or in the case of Danica Patrick, her womanhood) is on the line. Only one driver walks out of that circle while the other cries for Mama.

TV ratings would soar.

IronPigs making a splash

The Lehigh Valley (Allentown, Pa.) IronPigs minor-league baseball team want fans (at least male fans) to be entertained every moment of their visit, including that inevitable run to the men's room. That's why they are introducing a UGS ("Urinal Gaming System") in all of the men's restrooms at Coca-Cola Park.

As you approach the urinal, it goes into "gaming mode." The first game being used is about alpine skiing. You use your aim to not only ski but also knock over pesky penguins are your way down. You can enter your score at the team's website and see how you stand on scoreboards around the park. "Hey, honey, look, I'm in third! Hand me another beer!"

Before you sneer, be aware that the Pigs have led all minor-league teams in home attendance for the last three seasons. That's not to be, uh, aimed at.

Featured Stories

CTnow is using Facebook comments on stories. To comment on ctnow.com articles, sign into Facebook and enter your comment in the field below. Comments will appear in your Facebook News Feed unless you choose otherwise. To report spam or abuse, click the X next to the comment. For guidelines on commenting, click here.