Last night's Oscars were like an emotional roller-coaster at a terrible amusement park--beginning wth Seth MacFarlane's as-bad-as-feared monologue, the show rarely rose above painful and hit few peaks. Allow us to relive some of the night's best and worst moments, not necessarily in that order.
10:55 p.m. After an intro and announcement by Michelle Obama (!), "Argo" wins Best Picture. It was the fifth-best of the nine nominees. Good enough. #happyforaffleck
10:49 p.m. Best Actor winner/absolute lock Daniel Day-Lewis jokes that he and Meryl Streep were going to play each other's parts in "The Iron Lady" and "Lincoln," which was going to be a musical. My vote was for Joaquin Phoenix ("The Master"), but DD-L's speech was beautiful.
10:34 p.m. Ang Lee wins Best Director for "Life of Pi." Glad I predicted that Steven Spielberg wouldn't win, but I didn't want Lee to win either. Celebration thwarted.
10:26 p.m. Quentin Tarantino wins Best Original Screenplay for "Django Unchained" and refuses to get off the stage he shouldn't have been on in the first place.
10:24 p.m. "Argo" wins a competitive category to take Best Adapted Screenplay. Not my favorite, but better than "Lincoln."
9:23 p.m. Anne Hathaway ("Les Miserables") undeservedly wins Best Supporting Actress, as everyone expected. She still begins with, "It came true" and can't remember if she thanked everyone because she didn't write it down. After a meaningful note to her husband, she closes with a generic social statement about prostitution and injustice. Sigh.
9:14 p.m. "Do you want to work in this town or don't you?" After asking if Mark Wahlberg is Jewish because of the "berg" in his name, the bear from "Ted" makes the exact joke we predicted, in reference to the cliche of an abundance of Jewish people in Hollywood. It's clear that MacFarlane does have a problem with this.
9:11 p.m. Mark Wahlberg and Ted from "Ted" use impressive technology to discuss "the big post-Oscars Hollywood orgy." Don't act like that doesn't resemble a conversation you've had twice.
8:53 p.m. John Travolta correctly pronounces "Seyfried," mispronounces "Miserables" and introduces a showcase of the top musicals of the last decade, which includes only three movies. Catherine Zeta-Jones pretends to sing "Chicago"; Jennifer Hudson of course nails "Dreamgirls"; of the "Les Mis" cast, Samantha Barks again out-sings Anne Hathaway, and Russell Crowe (unintentionally) earns one of the night's few laughs.
8:42 p.m. MacFarlane uses endorsement of Jessica Chastain in "Zero Dark Thirty" to get in a dig at women. We predicted misogyny and are happy to say we called it.
8:41 p.m. "The actor who really got inside Lincoln's head was John Wilkes Booth." Seth, people aren't going to laugh at that.
8:22 p.m. "50 Years of Bond" montage makes the franchise's films and music blend together, but Shirley Bassey's rendition of "Goldfinger" soldifies the cool.
8:16 p.m. MacFarlane suggests Jennifer Aniston was a stripper and won't admit it. To quote "Cedar Rapids": "Barely even a joke."
8:07 p.m. Cinematographer Roger Deakins ("Skyfall") loses again. He also worked on "No Country for Old Men" and "Shawshank." He's never won.
7:59 p.m. "Brave," the least best of the Best Animated Feature nominees, wins. Point added for director Mark Andrews living the title and accepting in a kilt.
7:50 p.m. Christoph Waltz, my second choice in the category, wins Best Supporting Actor for his (lead) role in "Django Unchained." Nice speech too.
7:39 p.m. Channing Tatum and Charlize Theron dance, drastically increasing on-stage likability.
7:37 p.m. To show he's classier than we think, MacFarlane sings ... a song assumedly called, "We Saw Your Boobs."
7:36 p.m. "Your jokes are tasteless and inappropriate and everyone ends up hating you." William Shatner's Captain Kirk, kidding/telling MacFarlane the truth.
7:34 p.m. MacFarlane has waited as long as he can and busts out the Chris Brown/Rihanna joke. It goes over exactly as expected.
7:31 p.m. One minute into the show, Seth MacFarlane suggests Ron Jeremy was asked to host, seemingly unconcerned that the porn star could do a better job.
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