Welcome to spring! It’ll still be cold for two more months, but that doesn’t mean we can’t dream about putting our ski masks away and of summer hookups to come. With a new season comes a new quick ‘n’ dirty column, advice for the short of attention but long of time-wastiness.
My really good friend is in a sticky situation. He and his girl have been dating for about four months, and they’re perfect for each other, but she’s moving to Africa to go into the Peace Corp for two years! He’s torn and doesn’t know what to do, and when he turns to me for advice I never have a legit answer. Any help?
Tell him to break up with her. I know that sounds harsh, but long-distance relationships are hard enough for people who have been together for a long time, and damn near impossible for a four-month relationship. Hell, they’re still in the honeymoon phase. Tell him to leave open the possibility of pursuing something when she gets back, and to keep in touch if he wants (this alone will probably be hard enough. Send a carrier rhino?), but that two years is a lifetime to wait for someone, and he shouldn’t.
How do I become more confident?
Fake it until you believe it.
Do you think 10.5 inches is average, below average, or above average for a male penis?
Well, Shaq, it depends on the species. 10.5 inches is HUGE for a gorilla (they average 2 inches), but for an Argentine blue-bill duck (17 inches) or a pig (18 inches), not so much. An erect giraffe penis is bigger than a third grader (4 feet), and blue whales, well, let’s just forget they exist, much like PT Cruisers, which are actually a little bigger than blue whale wang (10 feet). For a human male, the average length of an erect penis is just under 6 inches, which is the largest of any primate, so at least you have that going for you.
My boyfriend has a foot fetish but I have ticklish feet, what do I do?
Apply more pressure.
What’s the best way to not pull a David Carradine?
Apply less pressure.
He says, “I love you, but I’m not ready for a relationship.” You say …?
Listen to him.
I’m 35. Why am I still making the same mistakes I made in my early 20s?
Because you have self-awareness, but not self-control. You need both.
How and why do girls lose interest so fast? I always go on a couple dates with them and they seem to go well, enough to schedule a third or fourth. I don't understand how when everything goes well, it just stops for no reason. It happens to me a lot. I mean, WTF?
There are as many possible reasons for why people lose interest as there are websites about penises (it was for research!). The takeaway is to not let it get you down. 99 percent of relationships don’t work out. Keep trying. It probably has nothing to do with you a great majority of the time, unless you drive a PT Cruiser.
Want more? Discuss this article and others on RedEye's Facebook page.