Oh, Christmas Tree: Let's Hear It For Real Or Fake?

Trip to a tree farm beats trip to the attic

There are essentially two ways to get a Christmas tree:

You can go to a tree farm and trudge around in the cold and snow, wrestle the lucky fur on top of your car, tie it down with all manner of ropes and straps, and then hope you can make it home without it blowing off.

Or you can go upstairs to the attic and get the tree out of the box.

More and more baby boomers, it has been my observation, are opting for attic trees.


Because they're more cost effective.

Because you can keep them up longer.

Because it is quick, and easy, and there is no mess.

And these are reasons to forego one of the holiday seasons most cherished traditions?

Oh, Christmas Tree.

Granted, the attic tree has come a long way since its humble pipe-cleaners origins, and, yes, they can look remarkably natural.

But even from afar you tell they are not real because they are too perfectly shaped. Attic Christmas trees are the boob jobs of holiday decorating.

Sure, attic trees don't shed any needles, have to be watered, or pose a fire hazard. But do they fill the house with the aroma of pine and nostalgia? Do they have stories to tell?

Like the year I brought home such an odd looking tree that when a friend walked in and saw it she laughed so hard she actually had an accident.

Or the time my wife came home as I was cutting off the base of a newly acquired tree with a chain saw in the living room. (The blue smoke from the saw almost matched the smoke coming out of her ears.)

And what about the always holly-jolly ritual of actually putting up the tree?

The screwing in of the rusted bolts, the twisting, the straightening, the getting your sap-covered hands stuck to the stand, the arguing, the bad words, the tree falling over the minute you turn your back. Did I mention the fault finding, the I told you sos, the drinking?

Be honest attic-tree converts, don't you feel a void when your hassle-free tree is up and standing in the corner without there having been even a single curse, or call to a divorce lawyer?

Can I ever see myself with an attic Christmas tree? Never. Can I ever see myself with a Festivus Pole some day? Absolutely.

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