March 30, 2013
A clothing manufacturer from Great Britain has come out with a light-weight suit it promises will not smell even if you sweat in it all summer long and never have it cleaned.
Its secrets are underarm patches made of "military-grade, nano-porous fibers," which absorb and trap the molecules that cause one to reek. Supposedly if you were to stretch out the mesh from which a single absorbent patch is made it would cover a full size tennis court. (Now that's underarm protection!)
I don't know whether the suit manufacturer's claims hold water, but deploying military-grade materials in the fight against funk is nothing new.
The makers of exercise clothing have long used fabrics that wick away perspiration while not retaining odor. And let's not forget Odor Eaters insoles, which have surely saved many from a life-altering olfactory experience if not permanent psychological damage.
Then there is the line of flatulence-proof underpants, which feature "whiff-absorbing ceramic particles in the fibers" that purported to take the deadly out of silent.
Although I don't know this for sure, I assume these ozone-layer savers come in varying strengths, ranging from regular to high test.
Anyway, these underpants are reportedly very popular with executives in Japan, who not unlike executives everywhere, suffer from an excessive amount of gas. (They also come in pink for women.)
Flatulence fighters are sold under such names as My Shreddies, GasBGon and Under Ease. Obviously, they would enjoy more mainstream success if marketed under catchier names like Gone with the Wind, Burrito Beaters, or for that problematic Ivy Leaguer, Wiffenpoofs.
The other problem with flatulence undies is that they do not deal with noise suppression. They are essentially catalectic converters that address the fury but not the sound. Perhaps the materials used in car mufflers could be adapted here?
As for marketing a sound-proof model, some kind of play on "The Silence of the Lamb (Chops)," or "All Is Quiet on the (Southern) Front" might work. Oh, and for the Christmas holidays, how about a pair called "Do you Hear What I Hear?"
I'll tell you, a sweat-proof suit, some Odor-Eater inserts, and a pair of tighty-whitey Whiffenpoofs, and a guy might not have to shower all summer long.
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