This past weekend I went mall shopping for the first time in ages. Being in front of a computer all day will make you realize waiting in line behind parents who can't control their children just doesn't seem like the better option. I had one item on my "wish" list and that was the new and exciting game, Wii Fit. Plug it in, exercise and have fun ALL AT THE SAME TIME!! I was so excited I could barely contain myself. In fact, everyone was excited for me. The girl shopping with her mother at American Eagle; the boys working at the skateboard shop; the middle-aged women lost in the maze of the department store - all of them stopped in their tracks and either asked me about my new prize or loudly stated their want and need of this product.
Once out of the box and set up on the floor it was time to do the impossible: make exercise fun. Now, here is the advice I have for anyone with self esteem that is less than fantastic: DO NOT STEP ON THE Wii FIT WITH ANYONE ELSE IN THE ROOM. Hell, you may want to skip that whole setup thing in the first place. Somehow I ended up being obese with the "Wii fit age" of 44. Now, there is nothing wrong with being an obese 44 year-old; it's just that I am not one. On top of this, the Mii that I made for myself bloated up on screen to make my character match the obese 44 year old that I now was in real life. That is cruel. Ok, it was a little bit funny, but also cruel.
How are you supposed to rebound from something like that? Apparently by doing some weird balance tests that don't make a ton of sense and then tell you that you probably trip over your feet while walking. If I wanted humiliation I would've just hired a dominatrix.
Some of the games are fun. Once I finally figured out that in Wii language "balance" means "very slightly putting more weight on one side of your body, but not enough to actually move any other part of your body", I was able to do pretty well at the soccer game, tight rope walk and ski jump. I'm hoping that once I get past certain levels the games get cooler.
I did notice that, just like in real life, the game was trying to keep the fat person down. My "normal" healthy BMI-having friend was given tips and helpful pointers when it was her turn to test out the games. Here I was getting my hopes and dreams smashed by a video game while the same electronic device may as well have sent flowers to my friend's office with a card reading, "You're thin and beautiful! Oh, what amazing balance you have! Wii have a crush on you."
I spent the entire bus ride to work this morning looking around wondering what everyone's Wii fit age would be and guessing as to how many of my fellow passengers would be labeled obese. It seemed like I was in better shape than most but maybe I just live on a really fat route.
It's fine though, really, I will prevail. That being said, if you hear of a crazy woman throwing her Wii fit from the top of a building, there's a good chance it might be me.