A very "with child" Mila Kunis recently showed up on Jimmy Kimmel's couch to discuss her latest movie and her pregnancy. Soon the conversation took an unexpected, although scripted, turn.
Kunis objected when Kimmel, an expectant father, said, "We're having a baby."
"Oh, you both are having a baby," Kunis replied. "You AND your wife are pregnant."
Kunis then grabbed a microphone and launched into a semi-funny sketch in which she demanded that men stop saying, "We're pregnant."
"When you wake up and throw up, is it because you're nurturing a human life? No. It's because you had too many shots of tequila!" Kunis fumed. "We can't have shots of tequila. We can't have anything, because we've got your little love goblin growing inside of us."
The sketch ended with eight pregnant women joining Kunis on stage for ice cream.
Okay, I agree with Kunis that the "we" reference can be unbelievably irritating when used in particular situations. When the waitress says, "what are WE having?" I don't invite her to pull up a chair when my steak arrives. The physician assistants who enter examination rooms and ask, "how are WE feeling?" had better duck because WE will make every attempt to sneeze, cough or projectile vomit in their faces, followed up with, "WE aren't doing so well."
And the over-involved Pee Wee sports parents who proudly announce, "So far WE are undefeated" need a serious reality check. Take a look at YOUR team; chances are they are currently sitting under a tree giggling hysterically because the first baseman just emitted a very loud bodily noise.
I like Mila Kunis -- she was great in "Ted" -- even though she's engaged to Ashton Kutcher, one of my least favorite celebrities. Here's a guy who landed his very first Hollywood audition -- for "That '70s Show," -- was married to the stunningly beautiful Demi Moore and now plans to marry the equally beautiful Kunis. If I ever meet Kutcher, I will snarkily ask, "How many lotteries can WE win?"
But back to his fiancÃ©e. Kunis' rant likely made women worldwide stand up and cheer while men cowered in their chairs. So guys, it's time to correct Kunis on her pronoun objection. Allow me to set the record straight with a commercial of my own. (Note to all newspapers and websites who plan to run this column: WE will most likely be getting a ton of angry letters, emails and comments. Sorry).
"Moms to be, please stop saying 'I'M pregnant.'"
"Was it YOU who conceived this tiny cash cow? No, WE made the decision to sire an offspring who will cost us approximately $241,000 to raise, according to the U.S. Department of Agriculture. What were WE thinking?"
"Will YOU traipse to the convenience store at 3 a.m. in search of Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey, only to have to perform an about face upon returning home because, for reasons WE will never figure out, Triple Caramel Chunk now sounds like a better choice?"
"Will it just be YOU who attends Lamaze and parenting classes? No, WE will be there. Granted, one of US will be spending most of the time refreshing sports scores on our cell phone but, hey, it's the playoffs."
"Will YOU alone attend your baby shower? Okay, bad example. WE wouldn't be caught dead saying yes to a three-hour event featuring participants who squeal in delight when a motorized swing is unwrapped. But WE will load all the gifts into the newly acquired minivan. Together."
"Finally, when our baby comes home, WE will both awake multiple times a night to the sound of hunger. And, in unison, WE will say, 'It's YOUR turn to give him/her a bottle.' Unless, of course, one of US is breastfeeding in which case, WE can't do anything about that."
This ends the public service announcement. Don't we all feel better?
(Greg Schwem is a corporate stand-up comedian and author of "Text Me If You're Breathing: Observations, Frustrations and Life Lessons From a Low-Tech Dad," available at http://bit.ly/gregschwem. Visit Greg on the web at http://www.gregschwem.com.)
(c) 2014 GREG SCHWEM. DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC