My wife was scrubbing what remained of the Easter dishes when I approached from behind, spun her around and planted a kiss on her lips.
"Why thank you," she said. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"
"What are you doing?" she said, struggling to catch her breath.
"Exercising!" I enthusiastically replied.
"So walk around the block with the dog. Don't suffocate me."
"Did you know that kissing for six hours burns 170 calories? That's one peanut butter Easter egg!"
"You ate 10 of them between church and dinner. You would have to kiss me until Labor Day. And where did you come up with that ridiculous figure?"
I pulled out my iPad and launched Lose It!, a free app "based on the proven principles of calorie tracking and peer support for healthy, sustainable weight loss," according to its website.
Scrolling through the app I showed her how easy it was to count calories simply by scanning the bar codes of most supermarket foods. The app also contains the menu items at many popular restaurants. A Napa Almond Chicken Salad Sandwich from Panera Bread? That will set you back 690 calories.
"Very impressive," she said. "But exactly what does this have to do with your sudden overwhelming desire to engage in teenage lip locking with me?"
"That's the best part," I said. "The app also lists dozens of fitness activities and tells you how many calories you will burn by performing each one. It's all based on your weight and how long you exercise."
"Kissing is not an exercise and it's really not something I feel like doing when my hands reek of dishwashing liquid," she said. "Hand me that towel. You can work your biceps while you're doing it."
"The app says kissing is a form of sexual activity and THAT'S an exercise," I countered. "By the way, if we ramp it up to 'active, vigorous sex' for three hours, we will burn 514 calories."
"Please go away."
"OK, but this is your health we're talking about."
"I'm sure there is an alternative," she said, grabbing the iPad and scrolling so forcefully that I'm sure she burned two or three calories in the process. "Here you go. Your all-knowing app says you can shed 516 calories if you sky dive for two hours and 10 minutes."
"I'd have to jump from the space station," I said. "Active, vigorous sex sounds much easier. And cheaper."
"Wait, let me keep going," she said. "How about polo? Round up some of your buddies and grab a few ponies. The app says you only need to play for 45 minutes to burn 500 calories. Better yet, go find a luge track and take a few runs. You'll be 524 calories lighter in less than an hour."
"Well, forgive me for trying to keep the fires of passion burning while encouraging physical fitness," I said, my voice rising. I grabbed the iPad back. "Tell you what. When you're finished with the dishes, why don't you go vacuum? You will burn" -- I paused while waiting for Lose It! to crunch numbers -- "1,753 calories if you do it for eight hours!"
"I have a better idea," she shouted, ripping the iPad from my clutches. "Why don't YOU go mow the lawn for 10 hours? "That's 3,810 calories that will melt away. And let's not forget carpentry. Go assemble that shelving unit that's been sitting in the garage for two years. And do it in three hours if you want to rid yourself of 572 calories."
"Fine!" I screamed.
"FINE!!!" she screamed louder.
"How many calories do you think we're burning just by arguing with each other?"
"I dunno, but I'm exhausted," she said. "And hungry."
"Care to split a peanut butter egg with me?"
"I love you honey!"
(Greg Schwem is a corporate stand-up comedian and author of "Text Me If You're Breathing: Observations, Frustrations and Life Lessons From a Low-Tech Dad," available at http://amzn.to/schwem. Visit Greg on the web at http://www.gregschwem.com.)