Finding peace in Jerkville
Getting past the rude people and miscreants means seeking higher ground
Rudeness is a fact of life. It's best if you try for the higher ground. (Brand New Images / April 3, 2012)
You see a guy toss a bag of trash out his car window.
Your lawn is a minefield because somebody walks their dog there and doesn't clean up.
These random acts of jerkiness — by people you don't know, people who don't know you — make us angry. It's now our burden to make things right, to clean up after the inconsiderate slob, maybe even spend time and/or money that will probably just make us angrier.
But what is the alternative? How do we put away the anger and learn to just shake off such actions?
The reason we get upset, says James Gross, is because that paint-spraying, trash-tossing, poop-leaving twit has disrupted the order of our life. We have a goal — we're headed to the office, let's say, and the driver ahead of us is moping along, weaving from lane to lane — and we are prevented from achieving it.
Gross, a professor of psychology at Stanford University and an expert in emotion regulation, says that, typically, the jerk isn't trying to mess with your mind.
Don't take it personally
"Maybe they're distracted, they have too much to do, they made a mistake," Gross says. "The reason we get angry is we imagine they're trying to interfere with our goal."
He suggests recognizing our anger, then taking the high road.
"When we're angry we lash out, we say things we shouldn't," he says. "It's important to pay attention to your responses, and suddenly you're less likely to be a jerk yourself."
That idea is echoed by Jim Fannin, a mental performance coach who has worked with professional athletes and business and civic leaders over his 30-year career.
"I think you need to go to a higher ground, a higher viewpoint of the world and life," he says.
"If you can walk around with that — you're not being above everybody else, it's not that — but understand there are so many people today who have serious issues, and you really don't know what's going on in someone's mind.," Fannin adds. "It's their problem and you can't take it on as your burden.
"(If you do) you've lost control. When you let another person increase your blood pressure, basically you're giving them permission to bother you."
Redirecting your anger
That may be easier said than done.
Gross says that when people have been victimized, they take it as a direct slap, and anger is automatic. But by controlling that emotion, a person can steer the situation in another direction.
Fannin (jimfannin.com) has his clients employ what he calls the 90-second rule: After being the victim of a jerk, he suggests, roll your eyes, exhale, maybe judge that person a little.