My column options this week came down to the bacon shortage or butt chugging.
You will be happy to know I picked the bacon shortage. I did this for the obvious reason, because life without bacon is unthinkable.
While I didn't go with butt chugging, now that the subject has been introduced I am afraid curiosity warrants it be briefly, yet tastefully as always, explored.
Simply put, butt chugging involves imbibing wine through that region of the human anatomy located at the opposite end of the venue through which wine is normally sipped.
It will probably come as no surprise that this method of wine tasting is popular with college fraternities, can be dangerous and is not practiced in bars and restaurants … that I know of.
Two other things to know about butt chugging:
One, it doesn't make any difference if the wine is white, red or from a good year.
And, two, when engaging in this ritual the appropriate toast is always, "bottoms up," as "here's looking at you" doesn't really work in this setting.
But we were talking about bacon.
As you are no doubt aware, there was a near panic last month when it was reported that there might be a bacon shortage in 2013, a doomsday scenario that was quickly dubbed "the aporkalypse."
There were unsubstantiated reports of bacon hoarding, hogs being kidnapped and held for ransom, bacon replacing gold as the nation's monetary standard.
While the cause for the scare was tied to farmers not raising as many hogs because of the high cost of feed — since debunked — I think there was another factor at play.
Bacon has become overextended. It used to be that bacon existed to complement the egg and, of course, anchor the crème de la crème of all sandwiches, the BL&T. But these days bacon is being coupled with anything and everything.
You can now buy such treats as bacon ice cream, bacon brownies, bacon coffee, bacon soda, bacon syrup, bacon jelly beans. There is also bacon vodka and bacon beer, and for the little porker, bacon-flavored baby formula.
And it's not just food: There is also bacon air freshener, bacon toothpaste, bacon soap, bacon dental floss, bacon toothpicks, even bacon massage oil.
Bacon massage oil? Why is that banjo riff from "Deliverance" suddenly stuck in my head?