Q: I have been with my boyfriend for just over three years, and our sex life has become very boring, routine, lazy and just about the orgasm. I think it's because the sex is the same, so there's nothing to look forward to. We have tried different positions, outfits, etc., but we always end up going to the same positions because they're the ones that we can both climax in. I feel like we need to connect the spiritual side to sex, but I don't know how or if this will help. Please help! I'm worried that our sex life will be nonexistent within a year if we keep this up.
A: Sex is about having orgasms, there's no doubt about that, but sex is about the entire experience as well. Sex starts with foreplay, which can take place hours before that orgasm and far away from where you end up together, so that sending flowers, for example, is part of foreplay even though there is no physical contact. And two people can engage in all sorts of activity, including using different positions and wearing different outfits, and get a lot of enjoyment from doing all of that, becoming very sexually aroused.
But if the only way they can have orgasms is to use one position, then that's fine too. So if you add variety to your sex life in myriad ways while having orgasms in only one way, that's quite all right.
Q: My husband and I have a very healthy, vibrant sex life, always trying what the other wants to experience, etc. I thought we were very fortunate to have such an open relationship. But I find him secretly pleasuring himself in the shower. We make love at least twice a week, sometimes more, but why does he do this as opposed to making love to me? I'm horribly confused.
A: Perhaps he's pressed for time. Or perhaps he finds that he'd like to relive past memories of having sex with you. Or maybe you've indicated that sex twice a week is all you really want, but he wants it more often and so doesn't want to bother you. He might find that masturbation offers a different set of pleasures.
He could have many different reasons, and it doesn't mean that there is a problem with your sex life unless you turn it into one. You could confront him and discuss this, but that could open a Pandora's box and cause relationship problems that don't have to be exposed to daylight.
If you're satisfied with having sex twice a week, my advice would be to ignore this. But if it really bothers you, or if you would like to have sex more often, then you could bring it up and see what he says.
Q: I am a petite, 66 and in love. All is perfect; however, my fella has an extremely large penis — length and especially width. I have taken Estrace to strengthen the walls of my vagina, but I find that it irritates the tissues. Intercourse is quite painful, and he is unable to completely penetrate. We are so disheartened. Any advice?
A: First, at your age, you're not trying to get pregnant, so remember that intercourse isn't essential to the relationship. As long as you both can please each other in other ways, then all is not lost. You definitely should ask your gynecologist if there is anything else you can do, but if it turns out that intercourse is impossible without causing you pain, then hopefully you both can just put that issue aside, give each other orgasms in every other way imaginable and enjoy every aspect of the relationship as much as possible.
Don't get me wrong, I understand that this is frustrating and don't want to minimize it, but if it's a problem without a solution, you shouldn't give up on the relationship just because of it.
Q: My wife said she would watch a porn movie if I could find one that had good acting and a storyline. I have no idea how to begin to choose a movie. Do you have any suggestions on good couples' porn? I've tried to order a few in the past and have struck out.
A: I don't know that what your wife is looking for actually exists, but that doesn't mean there aren't some porn videos out there that she would find arousing. But since that's a very personal matter, my advice is to search together. Either go to a video store that stocks this type of material or else look online together. Let her decide what to order, and that way if she doesn't "appreciate" it, at least she can't blame you.
Plus you might find the process of searching together to be arousing, so much so that you won't need to actually watch an entire movie!
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