Nothing happened in Connecticut last week.
It was too hot.
The temperature was into the 90s every day, and the heat index was off the charts?
Hold on, the heat index?
The heat index is like the wind chill factor, except it deals with hot instead of cold, but don't quote me on that. Science to me is kind of like spelling — everything is guesswork.
If wind chill factor sounds more ominous than heat index it is because it includes the word factor. Factor makes everything sound worse.
I mean, fear is one thing, Fear Factor is quite another. Same goes for risk and Risk Factor, x and X-Factor, O'Reilly, and the O'Reilly Factor. An exception to this rule, of course, would be Max and Max Factor.
The heat index (factor) is computed by combining air temperature and relative humidity to estimate how hot if feels on the human body.
At one time I think they called this the "misery index," although that calculation might have included such variables as how much your body sticks to leather, and the degree to which everyone is getting on your nerves.
Personally, I've always relied on the parking-lot index factor, which determines how wet the trip from your car to the office leaves your under arms.
And the stuck-in-traffic-without-air-conditioning index factor, a measurement that makes the misery index look like a guideline for wimps.
So, How Hot Was It?
(With apologies to Johnny Carson), it was so hot that …
Chicken were laying fried eggs.
The musicians in the band were snorting ice cubes.
Cows were giving evaporated milk.
Fire ants were carrying personal fans.
Robins were using potholder to pull worms out of the ground.
A Brinks truck had a screen door on it!