June 15, 2013
Last week, I chronicled my ever escalating battle with an infiltration of mole saboteurs that have been turning my yard into a no-man's lawn.
I talked about introducing sonic mole spikes into the fray, and said if they proved ineffective I might bury stereo speakers through which I would play endless loops of "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" in hopes of inducing the moles to kill themselves.
Judging from the reaction, I don't think it is an exaggeration to say many believe moles to be a greater threat to our way of life than the state legislature.
Anyway, because so many responded to the column offering their personal plans of attack, as a public service I bring you the sequel:
Mole Wars: The Homeowners Strike Back.
While there was some disagreement over the brand — Dubble Bubble or Juicy Fruit — more than one war-weary mole warrior championed the use of gum, claiming moles can't resist it, or digest it. I didn't even know moles chewed gum.
Rather than gum, another homeowner advocated the use of castor beans, from which the poison ricin is derived. Whether the ricin is dropped directly into a hole or mailed was unclear.
One rural combatant suggested deploying a mole-hunting cat. He said he has a cat that tracks the moles as they tunnel and then plucks them from the ground. He added the cat is not for sale or rent.
Another mole-wars veteran utilizes what might best be called "The Game of Thrones" approach: When he discovers a fresh burrow he follows it to its end point and then systematically drives a pitchfork into the ground. Think of the moles as the Starks at a wedding.
Although the idea of burying a speaker in the yard and pumping in annoying music was well received, there was some thought "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" might not be lethal enough (something with which I disagree). The alternative was Michael Bolton. Bolton, of course, would be like declaring nuclear war.
Finally, it was proposed something called "The Rodenator" (which you just have to Google) be introduced. What this device does is pump an explosive mixture of propane and oxygen into a tunnel and then ignite it.
I'm thinking maybe I'd try the Juicy Fruit first.
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