'Dancing With the Stars All-Stars'

Confetti rains down as Melissa and Tony reign supreme. (ABC / November 28, 2012)

Tom quips, "You know the first time I saw that I didn't think it made sense, but now that I've seen it a second time I realize I was right the first time." Embrace the bizarre, Tom. It makes life easier.

Brooke is outside the studio in Kelly & Val's makeshift rehearsal space. Val's sweaty and shirtless so you'll forgive me if I didn't pay attention to what was being said.

Joey & Kym get a little bit where Joey uses a Delorean to get into the finals. It's a complete waste of time. Except for giving Tom an excuse to say, "It makes my flux capacitor tingle."

Oh and they even use the Delorean as a prop to begin their dance to the "Back to the Future" theme music. And no, we're not lucky enough that I mean a Huey Lewis song. Oh, wait! They segue from the orchestral theme into "Back in Time." And then kid dancers come in and dance with them, mimicking their moves. Oh, now I get it. That whole thing was a set-up to introduce the kids.

Montage of the wacky themes and twists they've done this season. They happened.

Brooke's been banished to rehearsal space again, this time to talk to Melissa and Tony. Melissa's dress is Peta levels of low-cut. Waxes for everybody!

Now it's time for the "Call Me, Maybe" group routine -- with half the original team in the finals, let's see who they've gotten to sub in. I see Anna's red hair -- so it's her and Drew, but I can't tell who else yet. Louis van Amstel in football pants continues to be just the most precious thing. Ah, it's Helio and Chelsie as the other subs.

More DanceCenter. Not much quotable in this segment, but there's footage of Gilles doing push-ups, so that's something.

Kirstie and Maks come back to do a very, very slow uptempo dance. And then Gilles and Peta are back for more "Bollywood."

Brooke talks to Shawn and Derek rehearsing their instant dance. Nothing of importance is said.

Apolo & Karina do their country week dance again. Blurgh. CancerDances are my least favorite. Then Emmitt & Cheryl come back to encore "Chain of Fools" and they look like they''re still having fun.

More DanceCenter. Ha! When greeting Shawn's hometown, Derek starts to say "Illinois" and then remembers he's in Iowa. That's rich coming from a kid from Utah.

Kenny Mayne likes Kelly because she has "a mouth like a trucker." My grandpa was a trucker -- and he doesn't require as much bleeping as Kelly. Kenny and Jerry are pretty sure Kelly and Val are doing it.

Montage: Finalists are happy to be finalists. They all want to win. They are all trying to win. Only thing of note, Kelly says "Have you ever seen a girlfight before? They're vicious." I gotta say even though she's the tiniest of the three, my money's entirely on Monaco.

Kelly Monaco and Valentin Chmerkovskiy

I'm trying to decide if Kelly got the spray tan she said she would if she made the finals. Their jive is fun and fast, but I think Kelly may have had foot placement issues during one sequence. The whole thing ends rather abruptly, but that's due as much to the arrangement of the song as their choreography.

So, nitpicky question: If they didn't know which Latin dance they'd be dancing until they pulled them earlier tonight, then how come the costume department had a "jive" outfit ready for Kelly and more "cha cha" and "samba" outfits ready for Shawn and Melissa?

Did the costume department make two outfits for each contestant (assuming you could wear the same thing for samba and cha cha, but your jive outfit would probably look different)? Or was the whole thing rigged ahead of time?

Judges: Len calls Kelly a "revelation" and says her spins are fantastic. He says she nailed the footwork. Bruno says they have the energy of "randy rabbits." He does add that sometimes they "lost a bit of balance." Carrie mentions some slips, but says that may be due to "body oil." Ew.

Kelly says the word "friendship" two times in answer to the question of whether or not they're doing it. GOOD GOD PRODUCERS, leave it alone. If I wanted to get all wrapped up in fake reality show romances I'd watch "The Bachelor/ette."