"The altitude's kinda giving me a bit of a headache. Does anyone got (an), Aspen?"
Oh, Steven Tyler. It was so funny I forgot to laugh.
"American Idol" travels to Aspen, Colo., for the first time, where we learn about Rocky Mountain Oysters and witness the enigma that is the Magic Cyclops guy. Let us take a look at the notable auditions, shall we?
Eighteen-year-old flower child Haley Smith has three jobs and loves nature. She sang "Tell Me Something Good" and I gotta say, great control, great voice. She's so different that she is a must to stay on this show. "Right out of my era," Steven said. If she reaches the top 12, I'm curious to see how she will do with the themes. (Verdict: Hollywood!)
Angie Zeiderman is a 25-year-old waitress who wants to be best friends with Lady Gaga. She sang "When You Got It, Flaunt It" from "The Producers" and Randy Jackson was immediately turned off by the show tune. I was immediately turned off by the floral-printed dress, but I'm sensitive like that. I think she should be in theater and not "Idol," but the judges put her through anyway, so pfft. (Verdict: Hollywood.)
Alanna Snare, a 22-year-old bartender and waitress, serves Rocky Mountain Oysters (Google it). That's pretty much the only exciting thing about her. Her way of murdering Dolly Parton's "Jolene" did not excite me at all. (Verdict: Go home.)
Shelby Tweten is a 17-year-old girl from Minnesota who suffers from bipolar disorder. "I do wanna show people that bipolar doesn't define who you are." Amen, sister. Shelby sang Carrie Underwood's "Temporary Home," which showcased her husky voice, with just the right amount of power. I like this girl. Maybe the back story helped, or maybe I find Minnesota accents interesting. In any case, I hope she goes far. (Verdict: Hollywood!)
Jairon Jackson is a tornado. After he sang an original song and got a golden ticket from the judges, he accidentally tore it and broke a light bulb. But that's fine, he's got a smooth, R&B voice that makes me think he has the potential to be the next Joe. What he needs to learn before going to Hollywood: how to high five. (Verdict: Hollywood!)
Jenni Schick, a music teacher from Sterling, Va., is wild. And I mean crazy, loud, overacting wild. (Un?)Fortunately for Steven Tyler, he is in her list of people that she can kiss. OK, then. She sang Pat Benatar's "Heartbreaker" and I tilt my head like a dog. She's got grit, but her voice lacks texture. Each judge gave her a "Yes," though. Really? Please rewind and listen to her sing the line "Don't you mess around." Again, really? (Verdict: Hollywood. And Steven planted a big one on her.)
Tealana Hedgespeth from Loveland, Colo., has been living in her talented twin sister's shadow for 19 years. Once she started singing Melissa Etheridge's "Bring Me Some Water," I understood why. Hey, I lived in my sister's shadow for much of my life too. That doesn't mean I have to take on her talent. Find what you're good at (not singing) and shine in that area. And that, my friends, are my words of wisdom for the night. (Verdict: Go home)
Lastly, we have Magic Cyclops. An Iowan who has an accent that resembles Russell Brand's. Apparently he grew up watching only the local PBS station, which mostly aired BBC programs. And did I mention he is a little weird? Maybe the name gave you that idea already. He also had confetti come up his butt. And has no eyes (his words, not mine). Obviously he won't be going through to Hollywood, which disappointed him because he felt responsible for putting Steven where he's at right now. "Cause I own several Aerosmith CDs."
"Aspen has been good to us y'all!" Randy called out as the auditions ended. Thirty-one singers get golden tickets to Hollywood. Tomorrow night, "Idol" travels to Space City — Houston.