Kathy Griffin takes aim with new Bravo talk show

Not even Kathy Griffin is sure what her new Bravo talk show, “Kathy,” is going to be when it debuts at 9 p.m. Thursday. But she does know one thing for certain: She will not entertain celebrity guests.

“Why would I? How could I possibly say the things to celebrities that America wants to say? And when I say America, I mean also Canada and maybe a few Secret Service Agents in Cartagena,” she told RedEye during a conference call with reporters Tuesday.

The Oak Park native, who insisted we inform readers will perform May 20 at the Rialto Square Theatre in Joliet, will unleash the same snark, sass and no-holds barred attitude about celebrities on her talker that she brought to her Emmy-winning reality series “Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List” for six seasons.

“Nothing, and no person, is off limits,” she said, adding that she will invite her not-so-famous friends on the show–and her 91-year-old mother, Maggie.

So who will be on her hit list? Here are some of the outlandish quotes from Griffin (and the assistant who could be heard whispering joke lines to her) during the interview.

On what her current pop culture obsessions are:
There’s so many. First of all there is, of course, everything from actual genuine news items and I am very into “The Celebrity Apprentice,” although I do not concur with Donald Trump who I believe is a birther now. But I do like the cast of that show.

Also I went to my mom’s apartment last night because she only stays at my house until she finds me annoying, and then basically she kicks herself out. And she would really like me to just have a panel of Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity and Laura Ingraham. So unfortunately I had to shoot that one down.

But I mean, look, I’m loving everything from the fact that the Wilson Phillips gals have their own reality show, to the fact that they performed at a Loehmann’s days ago. But I just want to say, Loehmann’s is a clothing store where people sell clothing for women. It’s not typically a concert arena.

On her mother, Maggie, who famously drinks boxed wine:
My mother, who has become a rather famous international superstar, [is] trying to pull some typical diva BS where now she wants wine in a bottle.

On the tattoo of a wedding band on her wedding finger:
I’m actually going to get a tattoo over it of Chris Brown’s current girlfriend.

On former presidential candidate Sen. Rick Santorum:
He doesn’t even walk upright at this point, that’s how backwards this guy is.

On wheter she will take down Bravo host Andy Cohen:
Well, I wouldn’t say I’m going to go down on Andy Cohen because I don’t, frankly, think he would appreciate it. And I tend to gag. I have a bad gag reflex I’m working on. And look, we might talk about blowjobs on this show. I’m not worried about it.

On whom she might be afraid to make fun of on her show:

I guess I might be a little bit afraid of Lou Ferrigno because he did threaten to throw Lisa Lampanelli out a window on “The Celebrity Apprentice.”

I admit it, I’m a little nervous around DMX when I watch him on “Couples Therapy.”

On Levi Johnston, the former fiance of Bristol Palin and whom Kathy jokes was once her lover:

I have not spoken to Levi. But usually when I talk to Levi my vagina does the talking, if you know what I’m saying. I’m the perfect girl for him because I don’t even have one egg left. So even though Levi is just coming out guns blazing every time he unzips his pants, nothing’s going to happen with me. He should’ve stayed with me when he had the chance. Apparently now he just looks at one of the teen moms and then they get pregnant.

Joking about her show’s “sponsors:”

We are 100 percent sponsored by christianmingle.com. Or the Latter-day Saints, Latter-day Saints united. And Focus on the Family, Focus on the Family bought a ton of ad time. Focus on the Family bought a ton of ad time.

Discussing the Secret Service hooker scandal:

Before I cast complete judgment on the Secret Service I’d like to see photos shirtless.

On her demographic:

Look, my struggle’s going to be to get the straights. So this show is for women and gay men. And it’s for married men on the down low. It’s for experimental men that have girlfriends that dress very well and have something to tell her but they can’t find the right time. It’s for guys who maybe just cheated on their girlfriends and now they need to make it up to her, so they will do fucking anything. It’s for guys that fake it and act like they care about women’s issues, but don’t give a shit and they’re trying to get laid. That’s my demographic.

On whether she’ll include Bi content in the show:

Honey, let me tell you something, the struggle on this show is to get one [bleeping] heterosexual. All right, trust me, this show basically is straight-bashing at this point. I have more bisexuals. Look, I’m probably going to write your column or blog or Web world for the next three years just based on my first panel.

We are very, very LGBTQIA-friendly. We talk about those issues. And what I’m really proud of is Bravo has actually just given me my own campaign because obviously I tell my dick jokes. But in my real like I go to the [Capitol] Hill and I have rallies and I’ve been doing all that stuff for a long time. So my tentacles have been reaching into the LGBTQIA community long before this show started. So I promise you’ll be represented.

Now I can’t speak for them because on this show I don’t know what is going to come out of anyone’s mouth, mostly my 91-year-old alcoholic mother. But you will probably see more bisexual people on this show per capita than you even knew existed on the planet, much less on any other show.

On how it feels knowing she’ll go to hell:

Oh I love it. I’ve got my hand basket all decorated and there’s a picture of Oprah on it and there’s a picture of Ryan Seacrest with his arms open wide.

On taking her clothes off:

I found that I am guilty of only one thing in this world, and that’s having a hot banging bikini bod and I refuse to apologize for it. So when I put on a bikini–for the first time in many years–with Paris Hilton for an episode of “My Life on the D List,” I saw Paris Hilton sobbing in the bathroom screaming, “Why, why?” like Nancy Kerrigan after she got hit with a baton.

All right, I’m exaggerating a little bit. I didn’t really see Paris cry, but I saw it in her eyes. And by the way, her eyes are not always very easy to read.

In my effort to do anything for a laugh–I ended up doing a series of things where my clothes fell off. Everything from New Year’s Eve with Anderson Cooper to the David Letterman show. Sometimes I’ll just have a friend ring the doorbell and then I’ll just run down and answer naked for fun.

Her preponderance of wardrobe malfunctions:

Well, I don’t know if me being completely nude screaming, “Look at me, look at me” from my balcony is like really the same as a wardrobe malfunction, but we can go with that. The beauty of it is I just don’t give a shit anymore. So I will drop an f-bomb as well as my pants at anytime for a laugh.