Worst date ever!

Welcome to Week 5. The remaining “however many” guys pack their bags, don their best hoodies and head to Munich, Germany. I know it’s Week 5, but I still can’t tell the guys apart and don’t really know their names. 

The men arrive and are greeted by Chris Harrison, who tells them that there are three dates this week — a one-on-one, a group date and the dreaded two-on-one. The guys head to the hotel, find the date card and Chris butchers the German language as he reads the card aloud. He is excited despite having no idea what the card says. At least it was better than Kasey’s attempt to speak German  #IwillhappilyinGermanykissyou. In case you didn’t know, this is Des’ first time in Europe. 

Chris’s One-on-One

Des and Chris hit the streets of Munich armed with a map and a camera crew.  They eat sausage, ask street vendors stupid questions and try on lederhosen which makes Chris look like Pinocchio with a 5 o’clock shadow.  They take to the streets again, stumble across some street musicians and dance to polka music.  They are having an amazing time, and Chris says “I don’t think anything can go wrong.”  Uh oh.  Those words are the perfect date kiss of death.   

Meanwhile, back at the hotel room, Bryden tells the guys that he has decided to go home, and he must interrupt Des’s date with Chris RIGHT NOW so that he can break up with her. In an attempt to locate Des IMMEDIATELY, Bryden randomly walks up to people on the street and asks them if they have seen a television camera crew. My guess is that it would have been easier for Bryden to turn around to the camera crew who was taping him looking for Des and ask where Des and Chris were, but stopping strangers on the street made for more dramatic television. 

Bryden finally stumbles upon Chris and Des dancing in town square.  After watching them dance for a while, Bryden finally makes his presence known and asks Chris for permission to interrupt the date.   Bryden sits Des down, and tells her that since he has fulfilled his life long dream of flying to Germany with 10 of his special “girlfriends,” he no longer has any use for her and is going home.  The camera pans to two pigeons whose relationship is more exciting than Des and Bryden’s (or Des and anyone else for that matter).  It’s a real shame that Bryden is going home just when Michael figured out the perfect amount of gel for Bryden’s hair. Bye bye, Bryden: Don’t let the wienerschnitzel hit you on the way out!

Des questions whether the remaining guys are here for the right reason, but she is determined that Bryden’s leaving will not affect her date with Chris. She does a good job of hiding her disappointment, except for all the crying and mascara running down her face. 

After some reassurance and beer chugging, Chris and Des head out for a romantic dinner.  Chris is the relationship guy, and says he is ready to start family and build a life.  Des trusts Chris, because, you know, they have known each other for so long. #eyeroll

Lucky for us, Chris was bored on the plane and wrote another poem. The poem makes me throw up a little in my mouth, but Des digs it and Chris gets a big kiss and a rose. Des and Chris are then surprised by yet another private freaking concert. EHH-NUFF with the lame private concerts already.

Group Date

The group date card arrives and asks Juan Pablo, James, Drew, Zak, Kasey, Brooks and Mikey to “climb the highest mountain.”  This means that Michael and Ben will be on the two-on-one date. Shocking how that played out, huh? 

Ben feels bad for Michael because he believes that he has a stronger connection with Des. Michael finds the two-on-one with Ben repulsive but plans on accepting the challenge to show Des that Ben is a fraud.   Michael, who remember is a Federal Prosecutor, is going to use this “gladiator style setting” to murder Ben. I don’t know which is more disturbing — the murder reference or the fact that Michael thinks he is Spartacus.  

Back on the group date, Des and the boys hop in a gondola, travel to the highest mountain peak in Germany and marvel at the beauty of the top of the trees and fog. When they finally break through the clouds, the view is majestic until it was interrupted by old yeller’s cousin, old yodeler. After failing miserably at learning to yodel, Des and the boys slide down the mountain on tiny little sleds and basically pile up onto each other. Then they have the mandatory "Bachelorette" snowball fight. 

Things start to heat up when Des and the guys head to an indoor hotel-igloo-fort thing, complete with couches and a plate full of pretzels. Brooks talks with Des about his emotional process during the group date, and tells her how he soaked it all in and lived in the moment. Des grabs him mid-sentence and they make out, big time! 

Mikey (who has great dimples, BTW) wants to make a Mikey and Des snowman family of five or 10. Zak interrupts their snowman family building time with a big yodel and Mikey T calls him a singing jackass, which is an appropriate and accurate description. Des responds by yodeling back like Swiss Miss. Great, now Des thinks she’s Heidi.   

Des ditches Mikey and hangs with Zak, who tells her that when he was in college, he thought he was going to be a priest until he went on a soul searching mission at the top of mountain and realized he was not supposed to be priest.  Now he’s on a similar mission 10 years later, on the same mountain! I anticipate the same outcome. The priesthood wasn’t your calling, and neither is Des.   

James and Des hang out in a back ice bedroom and make out while Brooks leans in and watches. Drew, who is wearing a scarf that no man should ever wear, calls James a vulgar, two faced player. James is confident that he is going to get the group date rose, but in the end it goes to creeper in the hallway Brooks.

Two-on-One Date: Michael and Ben

While the guys are freezing their asses off in the German ice brothel, back at the warm hotel Ben, Michael and Chris are staring at each other. The random hotel hallway coffee table followed them from Atlantic City to Germany, knocks on the hotel door and hands them the two-on-one date card. 

Even before the date begins, Michael’s blood is ready to boil and he declares “today is Armageddon.”  Michael thinks Des wants his help in exposing Ben’s evil ways. Unless someone has committed a federal crime, no one really needs Michael’s help for anything. 

Des tells Ben and Michael to change into bathing suits so they can take the polar bear plunge in the icy lake. The threesome come out wrapped in terrycloth bathrobes. For some unknown reason, Michael ties the bathrobe sash around his head like a headband. Des is a trickster and instead of going in the freezing lake, they go in a hot tug. Des thinks the hot tug is best invention ever. Personally I think the Keurig is the best invention ever, but to each his own. 

Michael listens as Ben talks about himself and looks bored and irritated. He calls Ben out on his baby mama drama, and tells Ben how bad it is for a kid to have a father who is never around. I can’t hear Ben’s answer over the sound of the water hitting the side of the tug.

Des is uncomfortable with Michael’s confrontation, and it doesn’t get any better at dinner when Michael calls Ben out on not going to church on Easter, not calling his son and not making friends with the other bros. Des tries to change the conversation and talks about important family traditions, which for her were pulling up the tent stakes every Sunday. 

Ben does an amazing job of not getting tangled in Michael’s cross-examination, and finally gets up from the table. Michael just keeps right on eating. Des shoots Michael a death glare and starts calling Michael out on his behavior, telling him that she isn’t comfortable that he is so aggressive. Now Michael is upset that his chances for a rose have gone up in flames. Des threatens to send both of them home, which is the smartest thing that she has said to date.

After a lot of ridiculous back and forth between Michael and Ben and Des and blah blah blah, Des decides to give the rose to the man she can see a future with. In a shocking twist, Michael gets the rose and Ben storms out! Once he is safely in the limo, Ben shows his true colors — he wants to get drunk in Munich, pick up some women, babbles something about Hollywood and drops a lot of F-bombs. Goodbye crazy Ben! The other boys have stayed up way past their bedtime to see who is going home, and hoot and holler when Ben’s bag is taken away. 

Cocktail Party and Rose Ceremony

Before the cocktail party starts, Des and Chris Harrison sit down to have a little chat about the one on one date with Chris, Bryden’s departure and ...

ZZZZzzzzzzz.....

OOPPS, sorry, I was so bored that I fell asleep ... where was I ...Oh yes, Des and her boring trip to Munich.  

Michael’s confrontation with Ben must have lit a fire under Kasey and Drew, who are now gunning for James. Apparently James isn’t here for right reasons, rather, he is in it for the publicity and plans on using his newfound fame as a stepping stone for him and Mikey to go out on his boat and meet beautiful, tall, rich women. Kasey and Drew are going to use the cocktail party to tell Des all about James and his wicked plan.  

Chris Harrison and Des walk in to the cocktail party room and Des tells the guys that she is positive who she will be sending home, so there is no need for a cocktail party. James bellows “you look beautiful” and Drew and Kasey plan to destroy James has been foiled! 

Let the rose ceremony begin. Chris, Brooks and Michael have roses and are safe this week. The next four roses go to Zak, Kasey, Juan Pablo and Drew. The last rose goes to James, sending Mikey and his snowballs back home. I find it strange that Juan Pablo keeps getting roses and hope that next time Chris writes a poem, Juan Pablo will read it to us in his sext accent. 

Drew is at a loss that James received a rose, and calls him an immature, shallow, materialistic and self-serving cancer. Kasey’s blood boils. Wow, there was a lot of blood boiling this week.

Next week: Cat fights and man tears in Barcelona!