Hello Rose Lovers and welcome to Week 4 of "The Bachelorette." It’s time for the 13 remaining guys to pack their bags, grab their passports and head to the first stop on their journey around the world. Exactly which exotic, romantic location will be their first stop? Japan? Aruba? Hawaii?  No! They are headed to Atlantic City. Yes, you heard me, Atlantic City. Maybe Chris Christie is a fan and wants to prove that the relationships created on "The Bachelorette" are #strongerthanthestorm.

The men feign excitement about going to AC and Kasey exclaims “It’s like Las Vegas on the ocean,” which is an insult to Las Vegas. Clearly, Kasey hasn’t been to Atlantic City, and neither has Des because she refers to it as “a beautiful city.” After the guys settle in at the Revel, the first date card arrives. Despite Chris’s “hoping, hoping, hoping, hoping and hoping” to get the date, the one-on-one date goes to baby mama abuser Brad. The card reads “Let Our Love Shine Through.”

Brad’s One on One

Des and Brad’s date could be summed up in one word: PAINFUL. The date starts with our couple walking along the deserted, depressing Atlantic City boardwalk. They ride the steel ball of death and the merry-go-round, then eat taffy and smear chocolate covered pretzels on each other while violating numerous health codes. They stumble across a beautifully carved sand castle sculpture on the beach and talk about what sort of girl Brad likes to date. His answer is, “someone who is a good mom.” What does that mean, Brad? What exactly makes someone a good mom? Someone who remembers to feed the kids? Because I am a good mom, and I often forget to feed my kids. Sometimes I forget where I left them, especially the little one.  I can’t even remember her name most of the time. On another note, Zak W. stalks the date from the 44th floor of the Revel and comments that Brad is a nice guy, but is too reserved for Des. I’m getting tired of looking at Zak’s face.

As if spending a winter day on the Atlantic City boardwalk isn’t depressing enough, dinner takes an awkward turn when Des and Brad sit in silence and eat their meals at the Absecon Lighthouse. When have we ever seen anyone on a date on "The Bachelor" or "The Bachelorette" actually eat their meal? The date is so bad that at one point, both Des and Brad start to chug their wine. In a desperate attempt to get away from the rose that is staring at them, Des suggests they hike to the top of the lighthouse. After schlepping up more stairs than it takes to get to the torch of the Statue of Liberty, Des catches her breath, turns to Brad and tells him that there is no chemistry between them. Did she really need to drag him to the top of the lighthouse to tell him that?  

While Brad is taking the solo walk of shame down the lighthouse stairs he just schlepped up, a producer reaches into the hotel room at the Revel, grabs Brad’s bag and whisks it away to the land of other rejected suitor’s suitcases. Brad cries as he realizes he couldn’t “light the darkness” for Des, but instead must return home to face the domestic-violence charges brought against him by his ex. Des watches from the top of the lighthouse as Brad is taken away in a taxi.

Mr. America Group Date

Back at the Revel, the group-date card arrives and reads, “I am looking for my Mr. Right.”  Brooks, Bryden, Zak W., Kasey, Drew, Juan Pablo, Michael, Chris, Zack K., Ben and Mikey T. are on the group date, which means that James gets the last one-on-one date. 

The guys arrive at Boardwalk Hall and are so happy to see Des! Brooks thinks Des is a mystical creature, like a unicorn.  Real men don’t use the words “mystical” or “unicorn.” 

Chris Harrison introduces the guys to Miss America, Mallory Hagan, and tells them that in honor of the Miss America pageant returning to Atlantic City next year, the 11 of them will compete in a Mr. America contest. Mallory is going to work with the men to help get them ready, but the real gem is that world famous pageant coach Christopher Dean, fresh off a stint on "Toddlers and Tierras," is also here to help. Our resident gossip girl, Michael G., admits that he has often dreamed of becoming Mr. America and now he has a chance to make his dreams come true.  This is a man who works as a federal prosecutor and represents the United States of America!  Someone please call the Bar Association. 

The fun starts when the guys choose their talent from a few random yard-sale accessories on the “Talent Table.” Juan Pablo picks up a baton, expertly twirls it AND winks! Zak W. grabs a guitar -- after declaring he can’t sing or play guitar. Ben grabs some streamers and Chris grabs a pair of high-heel shoes. The men look so ridiculous that Drew declares it “a hodgepodge of tomfoolery.” He should be sent home just for saying “hodgepodge” and “tomfoolery.” Brooks grabs one white glove and a ukulele and doesn’t know whether he is Michael Jackson or Tiny Tim.

In addition to the talent portion of our show, there will be an interview segment.  Mallory practices with Michael and asks him to answer the question, “What is the biggest problem in America today.” Michael is dumbfounded and has no answer. I have a few answers for what is the biggest problem in America today:

  1.  Federal Prosecutors who appear on reality TV shows and make fools of themselves;
  2.  The number of people who continue to watch "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette,"   season after season; and
  3.  Men who gossip like women.

No Mr. America pageant would be complete without a swimsuit competition, and the guys are randomly assigned swimsuits.  Some are too big, some are too small and none are just right. 

Chris Harrison announces that the judges for this pathetic exploitation are Miss America Mallory, the Mayor of Atlantic City and Des herself. The mayor is probably thinking, “first Hurricane Irene, then Hurricane Sandy and now this s*** storm.”

After the live Atlantic City audience is gathered to watch this debacle, the shameless display of desperation begins. A live audience in AC in March consists of one security guard, two homeless people keeping warm, a bus full of senior citizens from the Elks Club who have been dragged away from the slot machines and whoever else could be scraped off the boardwalk.

The pageant begins with the interview portion of the competition. Kasey goes first and I don’t know what he said, and I don’t care. Zak W. talks about being fire and fueling a woman’s fire.  Brooks is a lion and thinks he is king of the jungle. Chris wants to go out to dinner more than twice a week. Juan Pablo’s ideal woman would “first, love my daughter" (you have a daughter?) "and be a good dancer.” He is a sexy dog, that Juan Pablo. Mikey T. wants women to know that despite his solid exterior, he is more than a meathead.

It is now time for the talent competition, and I use the word talent loosely. Kasey makes up a story about tap dancing and stomps his feet in an attempt to tap dance.  #youarenotthetapdancekid. Mikey, who doesn’t want to be seen as a piece of meat, takes off his shirt and does handstand push-ups. Brooks, who doesn’t have any pecs whatsoever, makes the best use of his ukulele by singing a song and smashing the ukulele, Pete Townshend-style. Chris teeters out on stage in his high-heel shoes and shorts and swings hula-hoops around his arms. Bryden comes out wearing nothing but black shorts and a black tie and performs pelvic thrusts in the mayor’s face. Zak W. writes Des a little ditty and sings and plays the guitar.  He was correct earlier when he said he couldn’t sing or play guitar. 

It’s the moment Mikey T. has been waiting for: the swimsuit competition. After Drew parades his finely cut body across the stage, Mikey T. comes out, shakes his man boobs, flexes a few times and acts very meathead-like. Zak W. is next, in a teeny tiny red mankini. Then comes Brooks in a floral bathing suit. He parades his pre-pubescent teenage boy body across the stage and attempts to do some sexy bathing-suit-model moves. It wasn’t sexy. Please send out Juan Pablo: we could use a little Latin sexy right about now to erase the image of Brooks rubbing his butt.