It’s the beginning of the end. But it’s only the beginning … can someone please explain to me why Andy Cohen is so hot for two-part finales?!
He’s subjected me to Heather Dubrow for 18 weeks — I need him to just rip the Band-aid off already!
What Real Housewives finale is complete without a party thrown for dubious reasons? Heather’s name change is the just that dubious occasion. So you took your husband’s name after 15 years — I’m just not that into it. Don’t get me wrong — I’m a Housewife connoisseur, I get it — any excuse to get all of the ladies in the same place. That doesn’t mean I have to like it.
Moving on. In preparation for the party, Brooks buys Vicki a fur coat, Tamra takes off her ring so as not to bring attention to herself, and Alexis reminds herself to relax, relate, release and not let the ladies get to her. It should be a pretty drama-free party, right? Fortunately for us, there are a few wild cards who will never let that happen — enter Jeana Keough and Sarah “My great-grandpappy invented the rifle” Winchester. As an accessory to the crime, Jeana brings her daughter Kara, while Sarah brings her alcohol sugar problem.
Our other players have their own game plans for the party — if Alexis approaches Terry and tries to talk, he is going to call security. Very manly, Terry. Very manly. Sarah is hell-bent on confronting the ladies for their behavior in Costa Rica. Was she ever sober enough to hear the news that she wasn’t actually chosen to be a Housewife? And little Kara Keough attends only to avenge her mother’s humiliation from last year’s finale party when Tamra threw her drink on Jeana (that was the real beginning of Wives by Wives!). Why hasn’t anyone ever told Kara to stay out of grown folks’ business?!
So yes, there is tension between Tamra and Jeana, Tamra and Vicki, Vicki and Briana, and Alexis and everybody. Yes, Vicki runs around telling everyone at the party that Brooks bought her a fur. And no, no one is buying that. But the real story of the night is Sarah. Girl brought the crazy! Sarah actually broke a piece of off Heather’s cake before it had been cut and before a toast had even been made – ate it and then dared anyone to have a problem with it! I am still in awe — the girl out-crazied NYC ‘Wife Kelly Killoren Bensimon and out-crazying the originals Cray-Cray KK, is pretty damn hard. When confronted, Sarah calmly and passive-aggressively said, “I have a sugar problem”. And here is where my newfound hatred for Sarah cannot be compromised. She made Heather say what I consider to be the best line of the season: “Is your sugar problem wrapped up in a rudeness problem?” Brilliant.
I don’t think I can ever forgive Sarah for getting me to side with Heather, but she did help me come up with a game. Get ready to play “I Call Bullsugar!” The rules are simple – take quotes from the show and decide if it’s truth or bullsugar. If you call bullsugar, you must defend why. Here are some examples:
Jeana to Tamra, regarding last year’s infamous wine toss: “I forgave you immediately.” Bullsugar! Jeana was not the picture of forgiveness when she was cussing and dripping and running straight to her phone to call Simon and turn him further against his wife.
Tamra to Jeana, regarding last year’s infamous wine toss: “I am 100% responsible for my actions.” Bullsugar! The statement is true, of course, but Tamra doesn’t mean it. She pretty much only said that because Eddie came over to join the conversation. I think those two are hiding an awful lot of personality flaws from each other.
Brooks, on gifting the fur coat to Vicki: “It’s the nicest gift I’ve ever given anyone.” I call truth. I mean, we all know he’s not giving any of his baby mamas the nicest gift of all: child support.
Disagree with any of my calls? Did you catch any bullsugar that I missed? Let me know in the comments below and be sure to follow me on Twitter @MutesVoice!
