'Dancing With the Stars'

From former champions to fan favorites, including a celebrity voted in by fans, the All-Star cast along with their professional partners returned to the ballroom on the season premiere of "Dancing with the Stars: All-Stars." (ABC / October 2, 2012)

Here we go -- second week with these All-Stars. I hate Brooke's dress from mid-thigh down. It's like a cute dress got attacked by an unraveled loofah.

Tom jokes that Pamela went home and left behind a "trail of body glitter."

Melissa Rycroft &  Tony Dovolani -- Jive

In rehearsal, Melissa says that everyone is dancing now at the level they dance in finals during a regular season. Melissa and Tony didn't get to perform the jive during her regular season because of a rib injury -- the judges had to judge based on rehearsal footage. Oh, I remember that. It was weird.

Yowza this is a full speed jive! Melissa is flagging a little bit near the end, but I'm amazed she hasn't passed out, so full credit to her.

Len says they've set the bar high for the night. Bruno calls her "the fastest girl in town" and excuses her from cardio for the rest of the week. Then Bruno and Len argue so much that Carrie Ann doesn't really get to speak.

Scores: Carrie Ann: 8; Len: 8; Bruno: 7.5

Bruno mentioned a few flaws he saw in the routine so that explains his slightly lower score.

Bristol Palin & Mark Ballas -- Quickstep

I'm already dubious about a quickstep danced to "Redneck Woman" in cowboy boots. Wow -- now she's taking Mark to a shooting range. I have a feeling this segment is going to be a hit with a not-insignificant part of the DWTS viewership. I do have to laugh, though, when Bristol says without a trace of awareness of the pun, "Being at the gun range triggered something in me that makes me really want to do well in this competition."

Yeah, a quickstep to this is just as weird as I thought it'd be. I bet Len is going to rip them for all the honkytonk moves.

Bruno says it was "definitely different." He says they weren't in hold enough and when they weren't in hold, she messed up and when they were in hold, her frame wasn't good. Carrie Ann explains there's a rule that you can break hold at the beginning, or the end, but that once you're in hold, you're supposed to stay in hold. Is that a ballroom rule, or a DWTS rule, or a quickstep rule?

Carrie Ann goes so far as to say, "You slammed us in the face by saying, 'I'm not gonna follow your rules." BRISTOL GOING ROGUE. Len liked the enthusiasm, didn't like the break in the middle, and surprises me by liking the "hoedown" moves.

In the backstage interview, we find out Bristol had fun and HAVING FUN IS ALL THAT MATTERS, Y'ALL. RULES ARE FOR SUCKERS.

Scores: Carrie Ann: 6; Len: 6; Bruno: 6

If this weren't the All-Star season with its prematurely inflated scores, those numbers would be lower, based on the judges' comments.

Helio Castroneves & Chelsie Hightower -- Jive

Chelsie teases Helio that he should be fine with the fast dance because he's used to being fast. And then Helio puts Chelsie in a race car, which would be SO MUCH FUN. Helio's got the speed, but every now and then on the flicks and kicks, his toes could be a little bit more pointed. After Melissa and Tony's jive earlier, this feels a little thin on content.

Carrie Ann says sometimes Helio's body doesn't keep up with the charm that shows on her face, but his week it did. Len says he has "a smile with style." Len compliments the kicks and flicks, and he's the professional, so listen to him, not me. Bruno points out a tiny flaw in Helio's landing after he jumped from the stage. Poor Helio has lipstick marks all over his face from the kisses in the routine.

Helio's daughter is in the audience and she is both bored and cute.