April 25, 2013
The Big Wedding
"Marriage is like a phone call late at night," Robert De Niro says, in dulcet voice-over mode, at the outset of "The Big Wedding." "First comes the ring, and then you wake up."
Rim shot, please.
Except in Justin Zackham’s sedated farce, there are no rim shots. The jokes are just splayed out there, accompanied by the strums of a guitar on the soundtrack.
Adapted from a 2006 French comedy, and boasting a cross-generational cast of daunting and not-so daunting stature, "The Big Wedding" throws up a messy web of relationships, a tangle of siblings and spouses, lovers and lunatics, intersecting in illicit and illogical ways.
In order to pull off this sort of business, the pace should be breakneck, there shouldn’t be an extra second to contemplate the moral lapses and betrayals. Alas, "The Big Wedding," which inches along like a stoned snail, gives us all the time in the world.
Don and Ellie Griffin (De Niro and Diane Keaton) are a long-divorced couple whose adopted son, Alejandro (Ben Barnes), is about to be married — to Amanda Seyfried’s Missy. Don, a sculptor (and an apparently successful one: his house comes with a pool and overlooks a lake), lives with Bebe (Susan Sarandon), who was once Ellie’s best friend.
Although Don and Bebe aren’t married, she is like a loving stepmom to Don and Ellie’s kids — Jared (Topher Grace), a closing-in-on-30 doctor who’s still a virgin; Lyla (Katherine Heigel), a brooder who has just broken up with her beau; and Alejandro, who originally hailed from Colombia, and who has invited his biological mother (Patricia Rae) to the wedding.
Alejandro fears that she is too conservative and devout a woman to accept that his adoptive parents have divorced, so he convinces them to act as though they’re still together. Which leaves Bebe out in the cold — although not out of the picture, since her company is catering the wedding.
Let’s see, who’s left? There is Nuria (Ana Ayora), Alejandro’s frisky and fetching biological sister, who has accompanied her mom from South America. She takes one look at Jared, who is technically, if not genetically, her brother, and offers to deflower the guy. And there are Don and Ellie, who find themselves sharing a bed and, what do you know, still sharing a passion for one another. And then there are Missy’s impossibly square (we think) parents, played by Christine Ebersole and David Rasche. And Robin Williams, as Father Moinighan, the Catholic priest who will preside over the ceremony.
Ensemble comedy overload!
Do you think many of the film’s participants will wind up falling into the pool or the lake? Or both? And if you do, do you think they’ll be fully dressed? Just know that Ayora (of course!) prefers skinny dipping.
As the randy, philandering patriarch, De Niro gets punched around more times than Jake LaMotta. Keaton brings her natural comedic talents to the proceedings, and Sarandon acquits herself with saucy flair.
No one is bad in "The Big Wedding, but no one is remotely believable, either. Late in the game, Alejandro’s Colombian mother cracks wise that all of this is like some crazy telenovela plot, and it is. The relationships are mapped out without regard to plausibility or common sense, and certainly without consideration for emotional truth.
Which is all fine and good in a screwball romp. If only "The Big Wedding" played like one. (R, 89 minutes)
Pain and Gain
There’s a siege mentality about Michael Bay’s movies, as though viewers are the enemy holed up in a bunker and he’s the guy ordering heavy-metal music around-the-clock to wear down our morale and force us to surrender.
Bay’s true-crime caper ‘‘Pain & Gain’’ lacks the visual-effects mayhem and sci-fi cacophony of his ‘‘Transformers’’ blockbusters, yet the movie uses all the shock and awe and noise and bluster the director has in his utterly unsubtle arsenal.
Unlike Bay’s usual action nonsense, there’s a story, screenplay, characters and wry mix of suspense and pitiable comedy to be had in the tale of three Florida bodybuilders who blunder through kidnapping schemes like the Three Stooges on steroids.
All but the faintest flashes of humanity and pathos are flattened by the cinematic cyclone that is Bay. He drowns ‘‘Pain & Gain’’ in gimmick and style which, rather than gussying things up, dresses them down to make the movie even more ugly and sordid than it is on paper.
That these three guys, played by Mark Wahlberg, Dwayne Johnson and Anthony Mackie, are boobs and imbeciles, we get it from their actions. That what they do is reprehensible, that’s clear to see. That the world as they view it is twisted and coarse, another given.
So why can’t Bay set aside a few visual tricks and give us an occasional breather from the overload on screen? ‘‘Pain & Gain’’ is a two-hour onslaught of dizzy, drunken cuts, hot bodies in empty poises, shifting perspectives (with a babble of alternating character voice-overs to accompany) and often sickening images.
Example: Bay puts all of his technical know-how into a remarkably constructed shot of Tony Shalhoub, as the bodybuilders’ first victim, spewing spit as he’s Tasered. It’s done in agonizing slow-motion and extreme close-up, huge bubbles of saliva erupting from Shalhoub’s mouth.
An impressive bit of technical work that’s just disgusting and unpleasant to watch. Despite the sheen of Bay’s imagery, everything about ‘‘Pain & Gain’’ looks filthy and diseased.
Likewise Wahlberg, so boyishly charming as another stunted man-child in last summer’s ‘‘Ted,’’ shows nothing but grubbiness as Daniel Lugo, the dimwitted mastermind of this plot carried out around Miami in the mid-1990s.
An ignoramus awash in envy toward the rich people he trains at a gym, Lugo enlists disciple Adrian Doorbal (Mackie) and born-again ex-con Paul Drake (Johnson) to kidnap self-made millionaire Victor Kershaw (Shalhoub) and torture him to extort everything he’s got.
The dumbfounding farce of how these guys screw things up should be entertainment enough all on its own. Some of that still comes through in the screenplay by Christopher Markus and Stephen McFeely, though most of the comedy is smothered by the dazzle Bay can’t resist.
Johnson comes off best among the three bad guys, clearly relishing his beta-stooge role as Curly to Wahlberg’s Moe that frees him up for some goofy, unmanly hijinks.
Shalhoub rises above the chaos with razor ferocity to show yet again that he’s one of Hollywood’s finest character actors. Ed Harris adds the movie’s only notes of grace and class as a detective on the case, while Rebel Wilson has scene-stealing moments that feel wonderfully improvised as Doorbal’s kooky wife.
But those few highlights are incinerated in the bonfires Bay sets on-screen.
You don’t expect a real-life story as nasty as this to be a pretty fairy tale. The details are so absurdly tragic, though, that ‘‘Pain & Gain’’ could have been a very entertaining romp through the American dream as reflected in a funhouse mirror.
It’s a lesson in high-gloss odiousness refracted through the frenzied, look-what-I-can-do lens of Michael Bay. Bring on Wahlberg in the next ‘‘Transformers.’’ There’s bound to be more gain and less pain when Bay’s buffed-up behemoths are giant robots. (R, 130 minutes)
In this sleek, post-apocalyptic sci-fi thriller from ‘‘Tron: Legacy’’ director Joseph Kosinski, Tom Cruise plays a flyboy repairman living a removed, Jetsons-like existence above an invaded and deserted Earth. From a sparse dock where he lives with his supervisor and girlfriend, Victoria (Andrea Riseborough), Jack makes daily flights in his spacecraft to the Earth’s barren surface. ‘‘We’re the mop-up crew,’’ he says. (Cruise as WALL-E.) He tells us that it’s been 60 years since aliens invaded, first knocking out the moon and then leading to a devastating nuclear war. Though humans, he says, won out, they had to abandon the planet’s surface (New York is buried up to the Empire State Building’s needle), taking refuge on a moon of Saturn. On a desolate Earth, the only beings remaining are hiding bands of Scavengers ("Scavs’’) that look something like a cross between the Tusken Raiders of ‘‘Star Wars’’ and Milli Vanilli. Monitoring the land are white, round drones that appear like floating cue balls from afar, but menacing robot killers up close. We’ve seen many of the elements here in countless science fiction tales before, but we’ve seldom seen them more beautifully rendered. The film declines — as so many sci-fi films do — as the puzzles are solved. But for those who enjoy the simple thrill of handsomely stylized image-making, the movie is mostly mesmerizing. With Morgan Freeman as a rebel leader in a cape. (PG-13, 124 minutes)
• 42, (PG-13, 128 minutes)
• Scary Movie 5 (PG-13, 85 minutes
• Jurassic Park 3D, (PG-13, 122 minutes)
• G.I. Joe: Retaliation, In 2-D and 3-D. (PG-13, 110 minutes)
• The Croods, (PG, 92 minutes)
• Olympus Has Fallen, (R, 120 minutes)
• Oz the Great and Powerful (PG, 130 minutes)
• Evil Dead.