Dear Stupid (and you know who you are, Alex Rodriguez),
You cheated and you lied and you admitted it. That’s your reputation’s 1-2-3 inning for the rest of your life.
You tried to limit your lie to a specific period in Texas, but nobody believes you didn’t lie and cheat in New York, or before that in Seattle, for that matter, so it feels like you lied about when you lied.
For all the help you sought in performance-enhancing drugs, you should’ve asked if anybody had a little something for sociopathic behavior.
You’re needy and disingenuous. You’re emotionally homeless, and no matter how many scripts you’re given, you can’t deliver them as sincere. For a guy who acts like he’s such a good friend of Derek Jeter, you’ve learned nothing useful.
In contesting your 211-game suspension for PED use, you walked out of an arbitration hearing. No, wait, you stormed out. You yelled and railed that you were being railroaded because the arbitrator did not force Commissioner Bud Selig to testify. You screamed that it was rigged and you wouldn’t stand for it, and then you stood and left the room faster than a syringe injecting testosterone.
Here’s the thing about rigged games: Liars and cheaters tend to get themselves into such trick bags.
Here’s the thing about liars and cheaters: Righteous indignation is their first act.
You claimed that baseball’s evidence against you came from Anthony Bosch, the oily founder of the south Florida anti-aging clinic Biogenesis. Bosch told “60 Minutes’’ he injected you with PEDs, but you claim he was bought and paid for by MLB, saying whatever baseball wanted him to say.
You could call him a liar and a cheat, too, but of all the areas in which you have no credibility, that would be Ground Zero.
And so, just in case somebody out there doesn’t hate you, you’re suing everybody in federal court. Baseball, of course. But also your players association. After the arbitrator reduced your suspension from 211 games to 162, the union released a statement disagreeing with the length but respecting the process. The union also considered the matter done, like your career.
Maybe it’s all about the money remaining on your contract. I’d fight for those tens of millions, too. But if it’s about playing more baseball, then you’re better off paying someone to tell you the truth that baseball, the union and the arbitrator retired you.
You wanted to be the first baseball player to 800 homers. Instead you’re baseball’s latest poster child for the idea that money doesn’t discriminate against stupid.
The biggest joke, however, is that you’re trying to fashion yourself as a hero for the union. You claim you’re selflessly fighting the good fight to prevent baseball from using your case to kill future guaranteed contracts for drug use. Yes. Well. Good. Because baseball teams should have the right to get out of contracts with cheaters and liars.
You cheat, you get caught, you lose your money. Connect the dots, idiot.
How much did your cheating cost the Yankees last year? What did Ryan Braun’s cheating cost the Brewers last season and in the foreseeable future on and off the field? What did Jhonny Peralta’s cheating cost the Tigers in young talent?
Oh yeah, before I forget, nobody in the union seems to want the help of a lying, cheating, delusional moron.
Besides, using your superhuman strength to hoist onto your back the cross of the union’s future would indeed seem to indicate excessive PED use.
Signed, People With Brains