A Chat With ‘Ask Amy’ Before Her Visit To The Twain House

“Ask Amy” columnist Amy Dickinson and humor writer Gina Barreca have been friends for years. On May 31, the women will get together at Mark Twain House & Museum in Hartford to talk about, well, anything, and to promote Dickinson’s new book, “Strangers Tend to Tell Me Things: A Memoir of Love, Loss, and Coming Home.”

Strangers certainly do tend to tell Dickinson things, and thousands have done so since 2003, when her column began syndication. Today it runs in more than 200 newspapers, including The Courant.

During a recent phone chat, Dickinson discussed ways in which the advice industry has changed and ways in which it will never change.

Q: What do you think is the enduring appeal of advice columns?

A: It’s an ancient practice that goes back before newspapers, the idea of the village elder. I think people have been asking for and receiving advice in a somewhat formalized way for long time. I think the biggest part of the appeal is the idea of getting a second opinion. Most people who write to me have already test-marketed their question with other people. Maybe they didn’t like the answer they got.

Q: Do you worry about the future of advice columns given that the newspaper industry is so shaky?

A: I worry about my basic employment but I think that the advice column is going to survive. Just look at the growth of this genre online. There are many very successful columns that have never been in a newspaper, Ask Polly by Heather Havrilesky, Cheryl Strayed’s Dear Sugar.

Q: What do you observe to be the most common problems people write to you about?

A: All of the questions I run come down to relationships, on how people can relate to one another, no matter what the situation. I also am fascinated by boundary questions. Lots and lots of problems boil

down to “this is not your problem to solve.” I try to help people establish appropriate boundaries, what is their business and what is not their business, what things they can do something about and what they can’t do anything about. Sometimes you have to sit there and tolerate the anxiety. You can sit there and be judgmental or disgusted or worried but you don’t always need to act and sometimes you absolutely should not act.

Q: Has anything changed over the years with regards to what people write to you about?

A: Yes. Social media is very, very transforming regarding relationships, “my sister dissed me on Facebook” or “I’m being trolled” or “I see my kids on social media, that they were nearby, but they didn’t stop in to see me.” I’m running a letter soon, a question from a young teen girl communicating with a guy on Instagram. She says “he’s my soul mate, but I asked him if I could Snapchat with him and he said no, so I asked him if I could Skype and he said no.” Guess what? This guy is not who you think he is! If he was, he would demonstrate to you that he is real and authentic with you in real time, face to face. … I also get questions about gender fluidity now, “I’m a seventh grader and I’m coming out and I want my friends to call me by an opposite-gender name.”

Q: How do you select what goes into the column and what doesn’t?

A: Some of the most fascinating letters I’ve run came from people who are writing about things I’d never thought about. One of them was from a sister who wanted to exclude her sister from a sister outing. She asked, “Am I a horrible person?” I answered “Yes, you are, this is

a horrible thing to do.” People really responded to that. Another was from a parent who wanted their son to stop being gay. I received that question before, just not worded quite this way. So I wrote “Why don’t you show your son how easy it is to stop being gay and stop being straight.” … I don’t look for questions that are outrageous or deliberately provocative. That’s not my goal at all. I’m always thinking about the nurses in the break room or the cops talking about my column over lunch or the moms who clip it and send it to their kid.

Q: When responding to your writers, are there any tendencies of your own that you have to suppress in order to give the most useful advice?

A: Yes. Sometimes people say to me “Why not just tell people to get a life?” That’s too obvious, too dismissive. And if people got a life, I’d be out of a job! On my last day, everybody will be told to get a life. … One of the things I try to do is to be respectful.

Q: Have you observed a heightened level of anxiety among your writers, as others have noted in the last several months?

A: Yes, people who don’t know how to converse with family members, people who are very angry at statements being made by family members or friends or colleagues, people who are very afraid or perennially upset. I feel it.

Q: What do you think about the influence of social media on the emotional well-being of people today?

A: There are studies that show if you deal with depression that extensive exposure to social media can make things worse for you. On the other hand, as an avid user of social media I see the incredible support that comes out from strangers. We need to be mindful in our use of social media. Because of the way it’s set up and the ease with which we can use it, it doesn’t encourage mindful use. It encourages mindless use. … I’ve wrestled with my own social media use. Three times I’ve deleted the Facebook app from my phone. I was doing it too often. I’d be scrolling through Facebook and a relative of mine was going on another awesome cruise, while I’m sitting here where it’s drizzly and dismal. I’m connected to lots of other writers on social media, lots of people whose books came out the same time as my book. I was feeling, “Oh, how come you went to Los Angeles and I didn’t?” I started comparing myself to these other people. That’s a nowhere road. You don’t want to start the day feeling jealous of someone.

Q: What do you think about the influence of reality TV on what people perceive as reality or what they expect from life?

A: I don’t think people’s perceptions of reality have changed but I think feelings about their own reality have changed. You see the Kardashians have an entire episode about what color Jaguar they want to buy or how beautiful their bodies are. That’s going to make you look at yourself differently. Reality television really enhances fighting. Obviously, fighting and conflict is very good for reality TV but fighting and conflict is not good in your human relationships. That’s obviously a further coarsening of our behavior. It’s celebrated on reality TV. … The rise of porn is really changing how young people perceive sex and what sex is supposed to be like. This has become a real problem. If all you know of sexual behavior is what you have viewed on porn sites, it’s going to make things very rough for you out in the real world. Real women don’t like to be objectified, as it turns out.

Q: Does your advice differ with regards to the age of the person writing to you? If a 16-year-old and a 60-year-old both wrote to say they were lonely and want to date someone, would you advise them differently?

A: Definitely. I might give them the same basic advice, coaching how to get out there, how to flirt, how to talk to people. I would cheer them on in different ways, using age-appropriate references. With a 60-year-old I might urge them look into online matching but for a 16-year-old I might do the opposite, encouraging them in ways to connect with people in real life.

AN EVENING WITH AMY DICKINSON AND GINA BARRECA is at Mark Twain House & Museum, 351 Farmington Ave. in Hartford, on May 31. A reception is at 7 p.m., followed by a reading by Dickinson from “Strangers Tend to Tell Me Things.” Dickinson and Barreca will have an on-stage chat and Dickinson will sign books. Admission to the presentation only is $40, $35 for members of the Twain and for Let’s GO Arts! cardholders. Admission to the reception and presentation are $80 and includes copies of both authors’ books. marktwainhouse.org.